Wanting to curtail this involuntary allowance of time for his opponents to further bolster their forces, Dijjak demanded, “Comms, have you managed yet to contact any other ship in our armada? I would rather not charge at these fools alone, and there is no way I’m relying solely on the intelligence and situational awareness of the other ship commanders to prevent that.”

  While she was unable to offer anything resembling good news, Nerlin was emboldened by the numbing sensation that had permeated much of her upper body, especially her mouth, courtesy of the double shot of kutch, “No, Werlert, though I em zirroing in on de cousssse. I spec to ristabishshsh connntack ssooooooon, if I cann jus-“

  Sudden laughter from Habsh proved very diverting.

  Dijjak, having never heard his tactical officer laugh, was intrigued, “Something to report, Tactical?”

  Habsh’s efforts to restore his own professionalism were proving largely unsuccessful as he attempted to answer between laughs, “Two … sh … shshchtshchsh … two ships … there are two … ckoo … ckckck … !” At this point, he was nearly rolled out of his chair by what he was trying to say.

  Dijjak, now amused, tried to fill in the blanks, himself snickering, “Two more human vessels have arrived? Oh no! What are we to do?!”

  Still unable to speak, Habsh could only shake his head.

  “… two more venrali ships, then? That’s their solution?!”

  Another tactical no.

  “… well, I trust you wouldn’t be laughing if the tishari force nearly doubled, so I’m not sure who it would be showing up with only two sh-”

  In a moment of towering self-restraint, Habsh was somehow able to stop laughing long enough to blurt out, “Cuyusho!”

  Instantaneously, proper officer conduct became a bygone tradition for nearly the entire bridge crew of the Hooded Claw as they practically keeled over in laughter.

  All except Nerlin, who understandably wasn’t really all there at that particular moment, “Sssssorry, Werlert, tha dnn werk eisscher, I’lllll try summ elss en … why’sss evvun laffffin?”

  Having had more practice in composing himself than the rest of the bridge staff combined, Dijjak was the first to emerge (with some difficulty) from the cacophony of ridicule with any degree of formal countenance. “Really, human, two CUYUSHO ships?! They’re even worse at warfare than you are, and that’s saying something!”

  The admiral’s unfazed confidence manifested in a fairly relaxed, teacher-like tone, “Oh, come now, Dijjak. First off, wipe the tears out of your eyes – and for goodness’ sake, wipe your mouth – and take a closer look at those ships; the cuyusho have never fielded anything like this.”

  On confirming their novel nature, Dijjak responded with an equally unconcerned tone, “Oh, so I should congratulate them for inventing new ways to waste time and resources on worthless vessels, yes? Honestly, my personal shuttle is more heavily armed than either of them! So, unless they excel at hasty retreats … which I doubt, judging from their energy signatures … I do believe that the cuyusho have somehow outdone themselves in bad design.”

  Admiral McAllister appeared insulted, “Warlord, show some respect! That design was only finalized eighteen of our months ago. Now, you know how fast the cuyusho build, but even they have limits, especially since these include some real bleeding-edge tech, so they only had time-”

  This time, it was Dijjak’s turn to interrupt with mocking awe, “To build two “revolutionary” ships, big dea-”

  By this point, the laughter on the bridge of the Hooded Claw had mostly settled down but the jovial attitude less so, which made it all the more jarring when Habsh suddenly exclaimed with actual awe, “Sir, a LOT more of them just arrived!”

  As Dijjak turned his head towards his tactical officer, McAllister seized the moment to finish his sentence, “-to build 351 of them.”

  Checkmark with a smile.

  Dijjak looked to Habsh, who him gave an exceedingly impressed nod, and the warlord’s features betrayed a quick series of emotions beginning with shock & amazement, moving through mild depression, then moderate concern, and finally a resigned frustration.

  Editor’s note:

  I warned them this would happen.

  We pretty much know what Dijjak was thinking, but since it crosses some arbitrary threshold of speculation, we’re not allowed to include our assessment as per policy, and our call center has been paying the price for that omission. Thankfully, that policy no longer applies to my notes, and therefore:

  Dijjak was rightly impressed by the cuyusho’s manufacturing prowess (really, who isn’t!), but then remembered that, by all available metrics, his race could likely almost match them if they would just stop hamstringing each other. You’ve heard that putting three humans in a room will result in six opinions? Well, you put any number of katneral in a room and there will only ever be one opinion, but they’ll all insist that it’s their own and no one else’s.

  Dijjak then realized that he had effectively lost the numerical advantage, but then remembered that he didn’t really need it; it just meant that if he left a token force to deal with the enemy fleet while he and his favourites went on to Earth to have their fun, his image would suffer substantially.

  It also meant that there would be more losses, which would make for longer speeches on their return, and nobody likes that.

  Know what else no one likes? People always calling with the same question. You know now, so knock it off.

  Looking down, sighing, and rubbing his neck just behind his jaw (the katneral equivalent of pinching the bridge of one’s nose), Dijjak’s tone approximated a listless vexation, “Comms, let me know when you’ve made contact with the rest of our ships.” Then, straightening up, he faced McAllister, “I’m guessing that the reason we can’t talk to our forces is the same reason I can’t shut you up, SO, since you won’t go away, at least prove tangentially useful and explain something.”

  He walked over to the tactical display and started reading it, “Let’s see, you have … about five hundred light patrol vessels pretending to be mainline warships … a few dozen one-sided rocks … three glass cannons … and now the equivalent of 351 high-tech medium freighters. All in all, aside from the tishari opening salvo, our most likely injury will be … I don’t know, a stubbed toe from kicking you when you’re down? Your force is hopelessly disjointed and entirely doomed to failure. I understand that this is par for you little humans, but the others? We know they’re not THIS stupid, so how did you convince them to join you? I mean, they don’t even like each … oth … ?”

  This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

  Dijjak had looked up and realized that while McAllister’s bridge was still visible on the viewscreen, he himself was not. He was about to demand his return to answer but stopped himself, noticeably relaxing in his absence.

  Everyone on the bridge of the Hooded Claw just breathed for a moment.

  The warlord then turned to Nerlin to ask, “Comms, any progress to rep-“

  “-until they BOTH fall off, a fitting end for such a deceitful cur as yourself!

  Timmishik, we have not forgotten your thieving ways, you lying pile of -“

  Bek’So’s volume had not diminished in the slightest, and made McAllister’s return seem almost tolerable by contrast, though his speech was somewhat garbled and now included a strange crunching sound.

  “Oh, sorry, wrong button again. Don’t worry, I’ll get the hang of this new console. But yeah, seriously, does Master Bek’So know ALL of you?”

  Dijjak faced the viewscreen to behold the admiral with a large bag of popcorn, and his appalled confusion was blatantly written all over his face.

  Before he could speak, McAllister jumped right back in, still crunching away, “Anyway, to lighten the mood, I have a riddle for your tactical officer … um … Slab, right? Hey, Slab, what do you get when you mix venrali shields, tishari firepower, cuyusho ship-linking tech, a worryingly-excited human science corps, and a mutual pain in the face?”

  Editor’s note:

  Seriously, how do you people not know this?

  Even more than their manufacturing prowess, the cuyusho are famous for their ship-linking tech, which allows any of their ships to freely transfer their power to another in order to augment their abilities. In practice, this means that if you’re attacking a cuyusho fleet, the ships closest to you will have the combined offensive and defensive capacities of that ENTIRE fleet; considering that they rarely travel in groups of less than a hundred ships, this effect is comparable to chihuahuas turning into timber wolves, impossibly-athletic bears, or, in extreme cases, full-on dragons. It also means that disrupting the power of those front-liners is practically impossible, as you’d have to disable either the links (good luck!) or every ship in range of them.

  Side note: footage of anyone trying to do so still ranks as one of the four funniest things in the known galaxy to watch. For one of my personal favourites, look up the katneral attack on planet Longsight Haven and focus on Pack Leader Jikkmin. Never gets old.

  Naturally, explaining cuyusho ship-linking always leads to the question of how their ship systems can handle such a staggering power increase without “melting all to crap,” and for that, I would refer you to your nearest starship mechanic, because they ALL know the answer.

  But you just won’t do that, will you?

  *sigh*

  Any starship mechanic, ANY one of them, would tell you that most ship systems are built to handle over a thousand times their expected power input. This is done for two reasons:

  

  
• It makes it FAR more difficult/impossible to overload them in combat, either through ship damage or something akin to a targeted EMP.


  
• Due to their design and the physics principles in effect, the extra material and space requirements to do this are in fact almost negligible compared to the benefit, so pretty much everyone does it. Those who don’t … usually don’t last long.


  

  In comparison, ship reactors are several orders of magnitude more expensive and difficult to manufacture and maintain, so available power has always been the limiting factor on ANY ship, which is why the cuyusho’s ship-linking tech is so effective.

  As for your next question (because you ALWAYS ask the same one), the cuyusho, like most herd-oriented herbivores, instinctively run away from inter-species confrontations that don’t directly threaten their young, and thus generally have neither the inclination nor the aptitude to even be interstellar bullies, let alone conquerors.

  And, regarding your NEXT question … just keep reading, it’s covered later on.

  To his credit, Habsh handled the insult well … for a katneral, anyway. At Dijjak’s wordless suggestion, he stayed silently at his station, though his fur gave him a somewhat inflated appearance.

  McAllister apparently didn’t feel like waiting long for an answer, swallowing his popcorn to announce happily and clearly, “You give up? You get THIS!”

  Dijjak’s bridge crew suddenly became very focused, anticipating an attack … which didn’t come. Instead, it was again Habsh who called out, though less composed than usual in his frazzled state, “Warlord, all of their ships’ energy signatures are harmonizing with those of the cuyusho ships! They’re powering weapons and shields … wait … sir, ALL their shields read as venrali Pisch’Ahf-class!”

  THAT got Dijjak’s attention, since that class of shielding was particularly resistant to katneral weapons and had proven consistently problematic in the past. As he approached the tac display to personally confirm, Habsh again blurted out, “Cuyusho weapons signatures still light, but human and venrali energy output increased by … 57%! Tishari energy output increas-MOONS AND MAIDENS AGLOW, THE TISHA-!“

  A swift backhand from Dijjak put his tactical officer on the floor in a daze while he himself finished the sentence, almost in a whisper to himself, “- increased 174%.”

  Checkmark with a chuckle.

  Momentarily transfixed, most likely by the prospect of taking on the equivalent of the full tishari fleet enormously enhanced with venrali shields and belt-fed guns (figuratively speaking), Dijjak sluggishly became aware of cheering and laughter coming from the viewscreen.

  “Yeah, hit him again!”

  “Wilkins, looks like you’re buying; his comms officer is still standin- … well, she’s not unconscious on the floor, anyway! You still lost!”

  “We’re recording this, right? Please tell me we’re recording this!”

  Finally snapping out of it, Dijjak looked up to see that conduct on the bridge of the Blue Polaris had loosened up substantially and now included MANY bags of popcorn. What’s more, even the tishari had taken notice and were squealing lightly, and Bek’So paused just for the briefest moment to jeer at Dijjak before returning to his elsewhere-directed cross-cultural synopsis.

  The real kicker, though, was something no katneral had ever seen; the bridge of the lead cuyusho ship was on his viewscreen, with the crew joyously bleating in an almost carefree manner.

  Impressed checkmark.

  Editor’s note:

  Once again, your knowledge of other species leads me to question how truly genuine your diplomacy efforts are.

  As stated earlier, the cuyusho are a pack prey society (imagine herds of large, intelligent goats with chimpanzee limbs) and are naturally skittish in the presence of a perceived threat, and thus they NEVER try to communicate with the katneral. Even the venrali have to be gentle, despite having been the ones to uplift them.

  And yes, it would therefore seem completely out of character that they would voluntarily join this event instead of staying as far away as possible.

  Again, control yourself, keep reading, stop calling.

  Seeing the cuyusho on his viewscreen for the first time – and especially seeing them behaving so calmly - along with the confidence and veritable mirth of the others, Dijjak returned to his pensive state from a moment earlier, apparently weighing his options, and concluded that the damage to his status from retreating would still surpass that of following through with the attack and incurring the now heavy losses he expected to suffer.

  However, given how his society worked, there was still a chance for him to both save face and add greatly to his glory, but it would rely on an extremely unorthodox gambit …