I'm making some changes in my diary. Sunday will be for planning, the weekdays will be on some kind of theme, and Saturdays will be a post mortem. I think I'll get the most out of keeping a diary if I do it like that. We'll see.

  Sunday, February 16, 2025

  What is my top priority for the week? Studying for the History test on Wednesday. I'm behind in my reading due to the move.

  What can I delegate or let go of this week? Unpacking. I could do it all myself, no problem, but Mom wants to.

  What do I anticipate will be my biggest challenge this week, and what are some ways I can handle it? Not bursting like an overly-inflated balloon. There's an intense pressure building in me, and my destructive thoughts are getting worse. All I can do is keep myself busy and distracted and hope that when I do burst I won't end up doing something that will get me in trouble.

  I took my first run/walk this morning and almost broke my ass on the ice. Why the hell did I decide to take up running in mid-February? How the hell do people who run all the time run when there's ice and snow? I need answers.

  Bed: 79 Kitchen: 34 HTML: 34 Running: 1

  Monday, February 17, 2025 -- No School/Presidents Day

  What does self-care mean to you, and how can you express it more? I've given zero thought to self care because we've been struggling so long just to survive in an unsafe environment. That's why I picked it for my first weekly theme. Of course I've researched self-care, and the majority of what I've found on the internet is product oriented. Not that I would say no to a bath bomb and a pedicure but I don't think taking care of oneself should be so commercial. I'm already starting on my self-care 'journey' by trying to cultivate good habits. Besides taking up running I eat as well as I can on cafeteria food and a shoestring budget.

  Researching spells, magic, and what-all on the internet is overwhelming. There's too much contradictory information from too many people, and I was getting so frustrated that I wanted to put my fist through the nice new bedroom wall. I narrowed it way down by sifting out the religious aspects (because religion and I are a nope), and that which pertains to particular cultures that I'm not a part of. I'm left with Generic Secular White-People Witchcraft. As mayonnaise as that sounds, I can work with it.

  Bed: 80 Kitchen: 35 HTML: 35 Running: 2

  Tuesday, February 18, 2025

  How do I take care of my mental health? I don't. Well, except for writing in this notebook to get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper. There's no way I would go to therapy even if we could afford it. I know what my diagnosis will be. Mom's mental health would get worse if the doctor told her what's 'wrong' with me and she's way more fragile than I am.

  I rode the school bus for the first time since moving. Same school, different bus route. I like this bus. No one bothers me, throws things at me, or 'accidentally' elbows me on the way past. Plus the route is ten minutes shorter than my previous one. The catch: Travis rides this bus. He didn't say anything to me and just minded his own business -- whatever that is. But this is going to be so much more endurable than my former route.

  Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

  Bed: 81 Kitchen: 36 HTML: 36 Running: 3

  Wednesday, February 19, 2025

  What is one habit I want to introduce to improve my self-care? The habit of not introducing any new habits! At least not until I get some knocked off of my current habit list. I consider a habit set in stone at the end of ninety days and just stop counting it. Making my bed is about to drop off the list. The kitchen and practicing html have a way to go, and running is just getting started. That's more than enough.

  Speaking of running, I need to have the track coach check my form before any bad running habits become ingrained. And I definitely need running shoes and socks if I'm going to keep doing this. My blisters have blisters! Other than that and learning to navigate freezing temperatures and slick surfaces, I like running. It switches my brain off, so that while I'm running and for a little while afterward I'm almost at peace.

  Bed: 82 Kitchen: 37 HTML: 37 Running: 3

  Thursday, February 20, 2025

  What's your favorite way to relax and unwind? Cooking. I love a good recipe and the best ingredients we can reasonably afford, and turning them into a delicious meal. I have so many recipes saved on Pinterest that I wouldn't get to make them all in a lifetime of Saturdays -- but I mean to try. It's especially nice in a bigger kitchen with newer appliances and more storage space.

  The game of Where's Waldo tag took an interesting turn today. Travis walked right up to me and asked, "Is it better?" No context, but I figured he was talking about where we live no vs. our old place so I told him yes. He said, "Good. Just be careful," walked away, and pulled his vanishing act the instant I blinked. I don't know what to make of it. Was he really warning me about something or was he trying to trigger me into paranoia? If it was the later he did a good job.

  Bed: 83 Kitchen: 38 HTML: 38 Running: 38

  Friday, February 21, 2025

  What makes you unique? I'm independent, hyper-vigilant, and unemotional.

  Independent because I've taken care of myself, and in some ways my mom, for as long as I can remember. Mom makes the money and I do literally everything else -- even things other people are supposed to do.

  Hyper-vigilant from living in an unsafe environment for three years. I still sleep with my coat, bag, shoes, and a Louisville Slugger next to my bed. The nightlight isn't because I'm afraid of the dark, it's so Mom and I can see if we have to barricade ourselves in and shut off every other light so no one knows we're there. As much as I keep telling myself we're safe, neither Mom nor I feel it yet.

  So I do have emotions, if anxiety counts. But I don't feel emotion the way other people seem to. I guess I'm wired differently. It takes effort to pass for normal enough not to draw unwanted attention to myself, and even more effort to act nice and happy so that other people will like me. That's what I've decided to do, though.

  Oh, and sometimes I cast spells.

  Bed: 84 Kitchen: 39 HTML: 39 Running: 6

  Saturday, February 22, 2025

  I got a solid B on my history test, but I'm re-studying the questions I got wrong because they'll probably be back to haunt me later.

  Mom is enjoying unpacking and setting up the new trailer. I've got my room done but I don't like it and I can't put my finger on why.

  I'm going to focus my cooking on healthy meals at least 80% of the time. The other 20% will rotate between different kinds of treats and deserts. I've been wanting to try making peanut butter oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

  I talked to the track coach, and she's going to see me during gym class next Tuesday to check my running form and give me some pointers. Note: Make her some kind of treat to say thanks.

  I'm so not introducing any new habits into my routine for at least eighty-four days. My head will explode or I'll hurt someone if I try it.

  For next week's prompts I'm going to focus on trauma and anxiety. The way I deal with the fucked up mess of living in the other trailer park can't be healthy isn't healthy for me or anyone who has the misfortune to be around me when I actually do snap. Of course, if I can keep from snapping -- or control how and at whom I snap -- that would be so much better.

  Bed: 85 Kitchen: 40 HTML: 40 Running: 7

  And that's all for the eighth week of the already-rollercoaster year of 2025.