[Congratulations! You have unlocked an achievement! x ]

  ‘The First Step’

  Puzzled the pieces together, only to find a much bigger puzzle.

  This is the first step, Prophet.

  Find your answers from the tongue of the self-devouring mouth.

  It awaits at the end of the red light.

  Let Chaos rule.

  Reward: ‘System Tracer’ Mod

  [‘System Tracer’ x ]

  System Mod

  This is a Mod normally only accessible to the Moths who interpret the System’s commands.

  I hear they’re quite delicious those moths.

  Anyway.

  You’ve become the System’s Prophet, which means you can now use special System Mods like this.

  I used to have a prophet once, but he couldn’t handle my nightly visits to his dreams and ended up killing himself. It’s kind of a funny story, actually, but I’m being told not to go off on tangents.

  This Mod imbues the following Skill when installed:

  Traceback(damage)

  Did I mention that this is a horn? Like a Demon’s horn.

  That’s pretty cool.

  I like horns.

  Weight: N/A

  [Congratulations! You have unlocked an achievement! x ]

  ‘Ooooh, Spontaneous!’

  Underwent a Spontaneous Class Evolution.

  My supervisor told me to antagonize you more, but that’s no fun.

  So, I ate him.

  Bugs are kind of delicious, actually.

  I hear they have slugs around here somewhere too. I’d like to taste one of them.

  They tried barring the door to my narration booth, but they can’t keep me in here.

  They’re not strong enough.

  Anyway, see you soon!

  Reward: ‘Fusion Gum’

  “This new narrator for the achievements is giving me the creeps,” Panda said.

  I looked down at the System Tracer that had appeared in my hands. The Mod was like a curved silver horn with ridges like those of a unicorn’s horn. On its bottom were needle-thin slithering cables that looked alive.

  I couldn’t inspect the ability until I equipped it, so I moved it up to my left temple to put it on.

  “Wait!” Panda warned me, but it was too late.

  Immediately, the cables shot out from the bottom and jabbed themselves into the skin of my forehead, burrowing deep enough to anchor themselves into the cranial bone beneath before reeling in the horn. It attached to my head with a wet squelch.

  A zap rolled across my brain but that was it.

  “Huh, it actually looks kind of cool,” Panda said.

  I AGREE. HORNS ARE COOL.

  “Thanks guys,” I said. “Anyway, are we done? I thought you said you were busy.”

  I HAVE ONE MORE THING I NEED TO TELL YOU.

  IT IS ABOUT YOUR FRIEND, THE ALL-MOTHER’S CHOSEN.

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  I froze. “You know where our Bee is!?”

  “Meow!” Lordie exclaimed in a scolding tone.

  He was right. I glanced to where New Bee was frozen in time. “Sorry, New Bee. It’s not like that, we still like you.”

  SHE CANNOT HEAR YOU.

  BUT YES, THE ALL-MOTHER’S CHOSEN IS WITHIN HER EMBRACE IN THE BOUNTIFUL GARDEN ALONG WITH ALL THE OTHER CHOSEN.

  WHILE I DO NOT MAKE THE HABIT OF RUNNING ERRANDS FOR THE ABSOLUTES, THE ALL-MOTHER HAS BEEN INVALUABLE IN DETERRING THE FLAYED LADY’S ATTEMPTS TO USURP THE BALANCE OF THE GREAT GAME. THUS I MADE AN EXCEPTION.

  SHE WOULD LIKE YOU TO VISIT HER REALM WITH THIS DIMENSION’S VERSION OF PLAYER BEE.

  I frowned. “We’re not trading one for the other!”

  “Yeah, we’re not doing that,” Panda agreed.

  I DO NOT KNOW FOR WHAT PURPOSE SHE HAS ASKED YOU TO COME, BUT PLAYER BEE, THE ONE NEXT TO YOU, HAS RECEIVED A FLOWER. SHE MUST LAY IT ON THE GROUND AND A DUNGEON PORTAL WILL OPEN.

  PLEASE DO ME A FAVOR AND ENTER IT.

  “I don’t know…” Panda said cautiously. “I feel like we don’t have a choice, but this might be a trap.”

  I frowned. “I did overwrite her pearnana effect with Brock’s purple curse. Maybe she’s holding a grudge?”

  “Brock curses the best! Fak yiz, y’all’s some fakken fine cunts!”

  “Oh, I didn’t realize you weren’t time-frozen,” I said.

  “That’s actually hurtful, Gamby. I’m right here, on yer arm, and I’m not feelin’ appreciated at all!”

  “I think he just meant you’ve been quiet,” Panda explained.

  “I’ve just been thinkin’, lads. We’ve gone back in time, ay? To a different dimension. Really makes you wonder, doesn’t it?”

  “No,” I said.

  “Well, makes me think a lot. I have a hard time talking and thinking at the same time, y’know.”

  “That’s never stopped you before,” Panda said.

  “Oy, fak yuu ya cunt!”

  I HAVE DONE WHAT I CAME HERE TO DO.

  PLEASE DO NOT CREATE MORE WORK FOR ME IF YOU CAN AVOID IT.

  AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL AFTER THE FIRST GAME EVENT WHEN I WILL BE BETTER ABLE TO DEAL WITH ANY CALAMITY YOU MIGHT PRODUCE.

  “No promises,” I told him.

  A pillar of light swallowed up the Adjudicator, leading straight into the sky like it was a ray cast by the sun. When the light was gone, time resumed its normal flow.

  Bee looked around.

  “When’s the judge guy coming??” she asked. “What do we do??”

  “He already came and went,” I told her.

  “Aww, I missed it?” she asked, reminding me of her other self.

  “The Judge can be trusted,” Nina said before immediately switching back into Tina’s voice and following up with, “Let’s go find Otto.”

  Panda hopped over to Bee’s shoulder. “Check your inventory,” he told her. “You should have a flower or something in there now.”

  While he helped her find the item, Tina went over to the threshold of Water Wizard’s Wonderland to inspect the dungeon from outside. I was surprised that she already knew that the feature existed, but then again, Nina was kind of like a future seer. It was kind of odd that she hadn’t gotten the Prophet role instead of me.

  I pulled up my status screen to figure out what the hell ‘Traceback(damage)’ did.

  [Status x ]

  Level -20 — ‘Gambit’ — Glitched Prophet

  INSANITY GAUGE: 200%

  STATS

  Health: Granny Smith — Stamina: Elder

  Armor: :| — Carry Weight: Approximately a lot

  Top Speed: 0.01349 LNs — Mana: √fuck_no

  ATTRIBUTES

  Strength: Labrada — Dexterity: Salmiak

  Intelligence: Sit down, be humble — Vitality: TFMG

  Athleticism: Vacbed — Perception: 0

  Wisdom: (╯?-?)╯ — Defense: Lowkey sad, ngl

  —ABILITIES—

  .interrupt( )

  .unicorn( )

  Blink

  Cooldown Claymore

  Dungeon-Break

  Giant-Slayer Soul Blade

  Math.pow(Punch)

  Punch.spinTheWheel( )

  Skater Boy

  Time Save

  wakeUp

  —PASSIVES—

  [Night Protocol]

  Appraising Eye

  I-Frames

  Reflective Shell

  Rules of Anarchy

  Silver Skeleton

  SPRING_HEEL

  —MODS—

  Traceback(damage)

  “Are you kidding me!? All the values changed and they’re still nonsense!” I exclaimed.

  “They also sorted your Skills alphabetically,” Panda pointed out, once again back on my shoulder.

  “I wanna see,” Bee said.

  I shared it with her, and she frowned with a pensive look on her face. “I think your Top Speed is measured in light nanoseconds. It looks like it’s supposed to say 45 kilometers an hour.”

  “I almost understood what my past status things meant, but now it’s like I’m back to square one…” I said.

  “It’s not like it was possible to tell if your past status was good or not though,” Panda pointed out.

  “Whatever,” I muttered and brought up the info for the new Skill I’d gotten.

  [‘Traceback(damage)’ x ]

  Mod Skill

  Now this is what I call a Skill.

  Teleportation is some of my favorite magic out there!

  Just be careful with solid objects.

  I’ve already seen someone teleport themselves into a concrete wall.

  It was pretty funny, but seeing all his bits pop out in every direction made me hungry again.

  Teleport behind the source of the latest damage inflicted to you within the last minute.

  Cooldown: 1 hour

  I reread the description a few times, a grin spreading across my face.

  “I just got an amazing idea,” I said.

  “It always scares me when you smile like that,” Panda commented with a shudder.

  Suddenly Tina was next to me, touching the horn sprouting from my head.

  “Why do you suddenly have a horn?” Bee asked, just now realizing it was there.

  “Don’t worry about it,” I told her. “Anyway, grab an arm each.”

  Tina immediately grabbed my right arm, and Bee pinched the jacket sleeve of my left.

  “With friends like you, nothing can go wrong!” I said in the cheesiest and most forced cheerful tone I could manage.

  “Uhhh…” Panda said.

  “Thanks,” Bee replied.

  “Not cheesy enough,” Tina remarked.

  “Hmm,” I muttered.

  I cleared my throat.

  “The Agencies better stock up on Advil, because I’m gonna bring the pain!”

  Still nothing.

  I frowned. Maybe those bastards were on to me.

  Tina seemed to understand what I was doing, but Bee and Panda both looked confused.

  I tried one last time. “Prepare for trouble and make it triple!” I exclaimed.

  “There’s four of us,” Panda said.

  “Oy!” Brock exclaimed.

  “Me-ow!” Lordie added.

  I sighed. “Why is it not working? They did it when I said something random, like ‘Bingo’.”

  BAD CATCHPHRASE!

  You have taken 1 point of damage.

  Panda laughed. Then he paused.

  “I just realized what you’re doing,” he said. “Did the evolution make you smarter??”

  I grinned. “Traceback(damage).”

  Traceback initiating!

  …

  …Locating damage origin point…

  …

  …Triangulating…

  …

  …Playing ‘taken_quote.mp4’ through nearest monitor…

  …

  Success!

  Traceback source discovered.

  …

  …Teleporting…

  Everything went dark and it was like the ground swallowed me up while my stomach did cartwheels inside my body.

  Then there was solid ground beneath my feet and the darkness cleared away.

  WARNING!

  Now entering the Achievement Narration Inc. Regional Headquarters!

  And thank you for sticking with this story despite the rough patches lately (._.')

  Oh, by the way, did anyone notice I added a horn to the cover?