Sometimes, Grail Wars don't go the way they're 'supposed' to... and the rest of the time, they don't even come close to the same galaxy of going how they're supposed to.

  "So you're telling me that despite all my preparations and all the work I made to attempt to summon a Saber, because I forgot to change my clocks I somehow screwed up so badly that I wound up summoning an Archer?"

  "That is exactly what I just said, yes, sheesh Rin I knew you were dumb from the screw up in the first place but I didn't think you were THIS dumb."

  "I hate you," Rin responded, crossing her arms and glaring at her servant. He had introduced himself as Archer, and in her mind she was already running the possibilities of who he could possibly be. The smug, arrogant red man had made himself a sandwich from the stuff in her pantry, and hadn't even had the grace to offer her one as well. "Are you at least strong?"

  "No," he said, smiling brightly, giving her a smirk. "I'm the strongest."

  ...

  "I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE THE STRONGEST!"

  Rin screamed at her servant as he was caught one on one in a battle with another.

  "With my bow I'm the strongest!" her Archer replied far more casually than one would expect from someone getting roughly manhandled even as he used his twin chinese swords to fend off constant attacks.

  "Well then USE YOUR BOW YOU IDIOT!"

  The enemy servant, a skinny and leggy blonde wearing an ancient chinese monk's outfit, seemed entirely unperturbed by the banter, and was, in fact, joining in. "You shouldn't force anybody to be or do something they don't want to!" the Lancer said, even as her hair whipped about behind her, the long blonde tresses formed into a carefully stitched together braid. She wore pink silken baggy pants and a sleeveless shirt that was vaguely Chinese inspired. "Archer know that I support you fighting against the shackles of class normatives and choosing to fight in melee like the absolute boss bitch that you are!"

  "Preach on sister!" Archer agreed, even as he had to throw himself away lest the long spear gore him.

  "I hate you, hate you both," Rin said, covering her face with her hands. "Oh how I long for an interruption to this stupid fight-"

  "Oh hey is that a bystander looking at us right there?" Archer asked, pointing to the side.

  "Archer there's no way she's gonna be stupid enough to fall for a trick that-"

  "Oh my god it is, dang it, now I have to kill him, ugh, if I chip a nail chasing this sucker I'm gonna be like, sooo upset!" the Lancer groaned, as she turned around and began chasing after the dude whom Rin recognized as her classmate, Emiya Shirou.

  She at first thought it was just his bad luck he'd get killed, but then her stupid idiot bleeding heart reminded her she had the means to save him, and worse still, repressed thoughts of the many times she had used the image of his determination in order to inspire herself to keep moving forward, watching him get up and try again no matter how many times, and how painfully, he failed to clear the bar... "Goddammit."

  At least as a descendant of Christians, she got to blaspheme properly, it was the only way to truly represent her frustration with the situation.

  ...

  "Oh for the love of- Can you go FIVE MINUTES without getting into a melee fight against a melee-focused servant!?"

  Rin's frustrations would just never end. Of course she saved a guy who turned out to be a Magus, and of course, when she chased Lancer to his house, she found out Emiya wasn't just a magus, but a Master too. And to make matters even worse, he had done what she had failed to do, and summoned a Saber, and not just any Saber, one strong enough to ragdoll her Archer and chop him up to the point he was no longer combat ready and wouldn't be for at least a day.

  Maybe that'd teach him to stop fighting in melee and use his freaking bow already.

  Luckily, Emiya was unaware enough to use a Command Seal to stop his servant from killing Rin and Archer both. Unfortunately, Rin was also discovering she was very much into girls because hot damn that Saber was making her see rainbows. Everywhere.

  But that thought was discarded as she instead focused on explaining to Emiya what the hell was going on, and putting his Saber in a big yellow raincoat that made her look a bit ridiculous but no less hot.

  They got to Kirei and Rin blocked the entire experience from her mind on the basis that Kirei was an absolute shitheel who did not deserve space in her memory other than to remember how much of a shit he was.

  However, because her day just could not stop getting worse, then they got attacked by another Master and her servant.

  The albino with nigh infinite mana was a dead giveaway for an Einzbern. Next to her, there was what Rin could only describe as a behemoth. If anybody would summon a beast of biblical mythology, it would be an Einzbern. Covered head to toe in a huge cloak, it was impossible to discern what or who the servant was, only that it was a servant.

  "Big brother," the girl said, "I see you've finally summoned your servant! That means now I can kill you!" the Einzbern girl said, clapping her hands, "and enjoy myself doing it!"

  "Oh god not this shit again," Emiya lamented.

  "Welcome to being a Magus, this is what your father meant when he said to be a Magus is to walk with death," Rin quipped in turn.

  The Einzbern girl's eyes narrowed as she heard that mention. "You know what I'll dispense with the formalities," she said, "Berserker, feel free to eviscerate them."

  The Berserker raised one arm covered in the cloak, grabbed the front of it, and threw it away. revealing below it a huge dinosaur turtle with a spiky green shell on its back, and a very mean look to his face. He cleared his throat. "Oi kid," he said, pointing at Shirou, "you wouldn't happen to be a plumber would you?"

  "Well, sometimes I do plumbing work since nobody else wants to do it?" Emiya replied.

  "Close enough, alright brats, bratettes, and those of indeterminate gender, I'm going to stomp you all flat!" the dinosaur guy shouted, roaring fire into the air and stomping his foot, his huge stature making him seem even more intimidating.

  Needless to say, the ensuing fight did not go right for anybody involved. There were tears, there was blood, and Rin finally got to see what it looked like when Archer used his bow, unfortunately it happened to be against an opponent who could basically just stand there and let Archer and Saber wail on him endlessly for hours and achieve nothing, all the while laughing, tossing fireballs, axes and sometimes turtle shells he pulled out of nowhere.

  Rin was only happy that at some point the Einzbern girl got bored and just kinda... left. Emiya might even get to live having his guts clawed out!

  ...

  "How the fuck did he survive that?" Rin groaned, looking at Emiya as he laid in bed. "Seriously, how!?"

  "Probably some form of inherent bullshit, would explain why a Magus adopted him if he had something like that," Archer commented. "Anyway, more tea?"

  "Yes please," Saber replied. "Sorry about your arm."

  "No worries, it's a grail war, it happens, sometimes people die, sometimes people don't die even when they are killed."

  Emiya groaned.

  "Case in point," Archer said.

  "Whu, what's going on, what happened? All I remember is a terrible pun, and then, terrible pain," Shirou said. "Oh! Saber, did you-"

  "I was fine, I was always going to be fine, and I want to stress this point, if you die I disappear, so do not get yourself killed to defend me you absolute fool, that will kill me as well!" the blonde Saber chastised.

  "O-Oh... uhm, what's with the clothes..?" he asked.

  "Oh these? These are mine," Rin said. "Yes, I know, shocker that I own clothes that aren't red, black or some combination of those," she said, "I don't hear this from Ayako five times a day," she added.

  "Well if you're gonna say it yourself, I don't need to," Emiya replied. "Anyway, so... Grail War, huh..."

  "Yes. Starting tomorrow, we'll be enemies," Rin said, "so this is-"

  "How about no?" Emiya said. "Seriously, I have no reason to fight in this war, I already told you my wish is to prevent death and violence and-"

  It took... several hours for him to finally see past his own nose and understand what was going on, but at least, he recanted on not having a wish, and realized his Saber did have one and that was why she was participating. Not that he relented on the whole teaming up thing, but in the end, Rin saw the logic of it. Archer wanted to fight in melee but realistically he just couldn't match up to warriors of legend in prolonged battles in melee, so he too eventually saw reason.

  ...

  "I should've become friends with Emiya ages ago," Rin said as she took her colored glowy stick and moved past the crowd to the VIP section at the front, courtesy of the Fujimura family, the people that were running security on an event thrown by an up and coming idol that had captured the hearts of the people, joining Emiya up front where they both first settled to watch the performance.

  A cyan haired young girl with extremely long pigtails and who dressed in silly but charmingly cute outfit designed to look like she was wearing a lot of musical equipment on her, with buttons, and LEDs and all sorts of other such things. She sang, she danced, she sang and danced simultaneously, and Rin cheered and swung her sticks.

  You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

  Even better, they had tickets for the post-performance meet and greet! VIP tickets that would let them have some one on one time with the idol!

  ...

  With her luck, it shouldn't have come as a surprise that the new up and coming idol they were going to watch a performance from... happened to be the Grail War's caster. The Grail War's masterless Caster, at that. The Masterless Caster who was using her performances to siphon mana from her fans to keep herself alive.

  "So you want... to make a contract?" Rin asked, flatly.

  "Yes!" the cyan haired girl said, turning to Emiya. "My only goal is to fill the world with smiles and transmit my thoughts and feelings to as many people as I can, my love, my affection and... other emotions!" she said, taking his hands in hers. "Please, would you agree to form a contract with me and help serve as my anchor? I'll provide the mana for my sustenance with my performances, I just really need a Master to stabilize!"

  There was a moment's pause.

  Rin looked at Emiya, and he looked at her.

  "You should probably consult with Saber first, I think she might like to have some input..."

  ...

  "Alright, I've established the three way connection, I am never, ever, EVER, doing any of this again, okay?!" Rin protested, as she wiped the sweat from her forehead. "Seriously, Emiya, you need to learn that you can't just brute force things and just go full hog from the start, you've got to ease into it, pump it slowly and work to prepare your partners," she said, wagging her finger.

  "But I couldn't contain myself, once it started, it was hard to stop, I couldn't get a grasp on myself, it was like I was suddenly possessed by some sort of wild animal," Emiya commented, shaking his head, then turning to Caster. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to be harsh on you."

  "N-No, no it, it's fine, I mean, you do what you have to, right? I will accept it all, even if it's difficult, I'll adapt and take it into me as the precious affection you've bestowed upon me," she said, smiling brightly at Emiya.

  "I for one prefer it this way, I'd rather not get used to that sort of comfort when it is time to be battle ready," Saber commented. "This makes it easier."

  Rin sighed and palmed her face, and then when she was about to interrupt, she turned aside and saw her sister, her face red as a tomato, and her jaw hanging.

  "N-No, it can't be... even this- Shirou, my Shirou, stolen from me by a bunch of floozies!?" Sakura hissed. "I won't have it!"

  "Wait, where and when did-"

  Emiya screamed in horror as Sakura grabbed him and dragged him away into the darkness, never to be seen or heard from again.

  ...

  "I could REALLY do with not knowing my sister is a screamer in bed, thank you very much," Rin angrily growled to herself.

  At least the misunderstanding had been solved, and Sakura had finally understood that Shirou was not being stolen from her, that Rin didn't really have a romantic interest in him even if she had a very blatant romantic interest in him, that Caster and Saber were closer to employees than they were to romantic interests even if they had blatant romantic interest in him, and of course, the most important part, that just because Shirou had sex with other women, didn't mean he didn't love her.

  As Rin drank her calming tea, Archer materialized in front of her.

  "So... I think you know by how well everything's going right now that something's gonna happen to ruin it," he said. "If it's Berserker, you'll owe me a sandwich."

  "Fine, but if it's not Berserker, you'll make me a sandwich," Rin countered.

  "Deal!"

  ...

  It was Rider.

  An unknown form in white with what looked to be a bike or car helmet, the kind worn by pilots of the most high class motorsport, had just crashed a monster truck into the Emiya house, then in mid air he had swapped vehicles to a motorcycle and then drove it along a wall to crash into Archer, not done with that, he manifested a fucking formula 1 car out of nowhere, that crashed into Caster and Saber, knocking them both out of the way, before finally a two seater rally car showed up in the middle of the destroyed living room.

  Rider then grabbed Sakura, pulled her into the car, and sped off.

  The sandwich was delicious.

  ...

  Emiya did not take well to learning that Shinji had been doing... things to his sister. Bad things. He may or may not have knocked several teeth out of Shinji's mouth, may or may not have kicked Shinji in the balls, and well, may or may not have threatened to cut it off, while grabbing Sakura and then hopping onto Rider's car, once the false attendants' book was burned to free Rider from Shinji's control.

  While Archer was doing his thing chasing every last bit of the Matou patriarch and making sure not even one survived, Rin had... other goals.

  You see, Emiya was pissed with Shinji.

  But Rin?

  Rin was fucking furious. Not just with him, but with herself, and with the Matou Patriarch Zouken, but most of all, Rin hated none more than her father who had consigned Sakura to such a fate.

  Unfortunately, the only one she could do anything about was the shitheel who had raped and beat her sister.

  "I'm going to enjoy this," Rin said, as she cracked her knuckles, "far more than I should."

  ...

  "Rejected," Rin said. "Rider tell Sakura she's being stupid."

  "Sakura you're being stupid."

  "Thank you Rider," Rin agreed.

  "Y-You can't just team up on me like this," Sakura complained. "I'm fine, I'll be fine, I've always been fine, I can cook and exercise and practice magecraft, I can go to school, I'm fine!"

  "You are not fine, Emiya, emergency cuddles!" Rin commanded.

  "Doing it!"

  "Stoooooop!"

  Needless to say, it would... take a little bit of time before Sakura would be allowed to stand on her own feet.

  ...

  "You know, it strikes me that I never realized there's a huge German castle right outside of town. How do we not notice that? Is it some sort of Magecraft thing?" Shirou asked as Rider drove everyone on a racing pickup towards the outskirts of Fuyuki, where the Einzbern state and their inexplicably huge and over the top castle sat on top of a hill that hadn't been there in the morning.

  "I choose to assume it's Berserker's Noble Phantasm because that makes it easier for me to pretend I've not gone insane," Rin said.

  "Wise choice," Archer quipped.

  "Ooh, this is a great venue, do you think they would allow me to throw a concert here if I ask?" Caster asked, eyes shining. "It's already got cool searchlights, and an amphitheater, and legions of turtle fans to cheer and sing and swing their glowing sticks!" she said. "Wait. I think the army of turtles is coming at us."

  "Finally, combat, I've grown weary of this much calm," Saber said, as she pulled her invisible sword out. "Caster, sing for me, and I will open the path to our enemies!"

  "Right-oh, my reticent and brusque prince?!"

  ...

  "That," Illya stated, "was a whole bunch of bullshit and I refuse to acknowledge any of it."

  "Give it up, Einzbern, we've got you surrounded and trapped in this room!" Rin called.

  "Trapped in this room with you? Bitch," Illya pointed, "you're trapped here with me! And my servant who's five tons of koopa muscle!"

  "Five and a half!"

  The ceiling broke and down came a huge monstrosity of draconic power, and battle was joined, four versus one, and immediately, the bullshit only grew.

  "How in Jesus' name did we end up racing Karts!?" screamed Rin as she ducked under a fucking blue turtle shell that was heading towards Rider, who was at the front, the helmet wearing man immediately countering it by blocking with a red shell that was orbiting around his racing kart.

  "Beats me, hey, what do you think this thing does?" Emiya asked, as he raised a large bullet shaped artifact.

  It came from Berserker's noble phantasm, so it was anybody's guess.

  He then used it, and, well...

  Let's just say things just got even more bullshit from there.

  ...

  Illya's maids were... not very good at their jobs, compared to Emiya or Sakura's abilities, in many aspects. What they could do that neither of them could, was do their job silently without being bothersome, and also without getting distracted by Sakura's endless horniness every fifteen seconds.

  That meant they were much better overall, because they wouldn't finish cleaning a room, only to have to clean it all over again when they were done.

  "How do you not know this, you're older than me," Rin protested.

  "Well excuuuuse me, princess, I only had things important to my performance in the grail war forced onto me, you think they cared whether I could do calculus?!" Illya complained. "Now quit complaining and correct my homework already! I want to go spend time with Shirou!"

  Rin groaned.

  ...

  "You really don't expect me to, like, fight aaaall these people do you?" Lancer asked. looking at her Master, the phony priest who was supposed to be an impartial moderator. "Seriously I could lose one on one against Saber or Berserker and you want me to fight both of them plus Rider and Caster, all at the same time?"

  "Yes," Kirei replied.

  There was a moment's pause.

  "Oh no I've gone temporarily blind deaf and stupid sure hope nobody kills my master in my moment of weakness!" bemoaned Lancer.

  Let's just say, the opportunity... wasn't wasted.

  "This is for my finances you fucking creep," Rin called as she fired the final shot that would put an end to the phony priest's life.

  "I die as I lived," Kirei said, "as a man abandoned by God... also please remember to feed the kids in my basement."

  Then he vomited blood and died.

  ...

  Later, masters and servants gathered at a Round Table.

  "You know, it hits me, we've never seen Assasssin... did the Grail War actually not start yet?" Rin asked. "We only start when all seven are summoned, right?"

  There was a moment's pause, as everyone looked at each other.

  "I'll start. I have a confession to make," Archer said. "I'm not actually an Archer servant. My class is Pretender," he said. "My name is irrelevant, I am the Spirit of Fix Fics, I've been pretending to be Archer to manipulate the Grail War to a happy ending, to prevent the creation of an AI that would destroy writing by replacing it all with AI slop."

  "Oh... you too huh?" Caster said. "I'm also not a Caster, I am a Pretender as well," she said, using her hand to flick her long cyan hair. "I am the Spirit of the Music Industry, I've come back to the past to prevent the collapse that would result in my death with the creation of soulless AI music that dulls the human spirit and will."

  "I, too, must confess," Berserker said, shaking his head, as his voice suddenly changed to that of a famous actor, "that I am not the powerful and mighty ruler of the Koopa people, but just a facsimile, I am Pretender, the Spirit of the Gaming Industry, come back in time to use the power of the Grail to prevent the start of AI slop videogames."

  Finally, Rider came next, unhooking the strap under his helmet and putting his helmet down, revealing the face of a myriad men and women into a single person. "I am, too, a Pretender, not a Rider. I've been called upon by the World to stop the growth of the self-driving car industry that would remove the human element from racing, turning it into an AI sport."

  Everyone looked at each other, nodding.

  Then, everyone turned their attention to the last servant on the table.

  Saber.

  She tilted her head.

  "What?" she asked.

  "Well, everyone else is confessing... so... we kind of expected you would, you know," the Spirit of Games asked, gesturing with his hand.

  "Yeah," the spirit formerly known as Caster agreed. "I mean I don't want to admit it I'd prefer being the one I was pretending too... so I get it..."

  The one once known as The Rider put his helmet back on and directed a pointed cyclopean stare at the table's final servant.

  "Ugh, fine, I admit it, I'm not Saber either, I'm actually a Pretender as well," she finally said, slumping. "I'm the Spirit of Merchandise," she said.

  "Oh, were you sent back in time as well to prevent the proliferation of an AI takeover of your industry?" The Spirit of Music asked.

  The spirit of Gaming hummed. "I can already imagine the uninspired merchandise created by AI killing the industry."

  The spirit of Racing seemed to be concerned by that as well, especially since merchandise of cars was a staple.

  "No no, none of that, I mean, well, that would be a good bonus, but really, I've been sent back in time to use the grail to make a wish to prevent a great mistake..." she said, "I am to use the Grail's power to wish that the name of the character whose form I'm borrowing is written correctly on the first few pieces of merchandise, so as to save the Franchise from endless complaining."

  There was a moment's pause.

  "I feel like we've sort of gone off on a tangent, because that's still only five servants accounted for. What about Lancer?"

  There was a moment's pause, and then she walked into the room.

  "Who, me? I'm also a Pretender," Lancer? called out as she came into the room munching on some bread sticks while carrying a tray with different dips that she put on the center of the table. "I'm the spirit of the toy industry, and as you might've guessed, I came here to prevent the AI takeover of the toy industry," she said.

  "Alright that's six, but... Where's Assassin? Or the Pretender who would take Assassin's place, if that's the case..."

  Sakura and Illya had remained quite busy fighting over who got to sit on Shirou's lap and thus had taken up his attention somewhat, but the redhead did perk up.

  "Who knows, maybe they got lost on the way to Fuyuki or something?" he asked idly.

  "Oh come on, Emiya," Rin chuckled, "what kind of servant would get lost on the way to a Holy Grail War?"

  ...

  Meanwhile, somewhere very, very far away...

  The Spirit of the Anime Industry, who had taken the form of one of its most popular characters, a Bounty Hunter that could certainly claim to be an Assassin by virtue of that title alone, was in the middle of a fucking desert.

  "Where the hell am I!?" an one eyed man with green hair, shirtless and covered in scars, shouted out in frustration in the middle of a desert town somewhere.