Chapter 18: The Debrief.

  It’s really easy to sit there and say that you’ll make the ultimate sacrifice, that you’ll do what is necessary when the time comes. But when you’re actually facing down the barrel, realizing all the shit that you won’t get to do, all the places you’ll never go, and all the people you’ll never get to see again, it’s a whole other story.

  For the record, I can confirm that the bit in the movies where your life flashes before your eyes is 100 per cent real, with a few caveats. First, you won’t really see what you think you’ll see. What I saw was actually really mundane: dinners with Mum and Dad, flashbacks to Basic Training at Pucka. I didn’t see the court martial. I didn’t see Puma One. Perhaps mercifully I didn’t see Jim Parkes die again, and I didn’t have to see Sophie Kessler’s body again. And while I saw a brief moment from my Year 12 formal, it wasn’t the brawl, it was just a brief moment where I could see Amy talking to Emma. I could hear the banging on Silverback’s visor and Amy’s pleas, and part of me wanted to go to her and comfort her, but between the heat and everything else, everything around me just didn’t quite seem real. The pounding had stopped, at least. I’d stopped paying attention, and done my best to try and focus on a happy moment.

  It was only when the alarms faded, and I could feel the temperature drop, that I realized that maybe I wasn’t going to die today. I looked up, feeling worn out. The visor was covered with this white foam, like a gigantic bubble bath. I could still hear a banging sound on the outside, but some of the alarms had turned off. More importantly, the constant jolting of Rahab’s strikes had stopped.

  I radioed through to others. “Major, Amethyst, this is Silverback. Be advised, still alive, I think. The actual fuck is all over my mech?”

  The Major’s voice was crackling through. “Copy that, Silverback. Had to have firey’s give you a quick chem bath. We have reports that Rahab’s fled the scene. If you think Silverback’s up to it, come back to base, and we’ll debrief.”

  Rahab had escaped. I hung my head, ashamed. Not only had I risked my life unnecessarily, not only had I probably traumatized the Major and whoever the fuck else had been forced to witness what was going on, I hadn’t even managed to kill the old catfish bastard. I exhaled, hoping against hope that maybe the others had done better than I had.

  I was careful as I made the journey back to Mount Daymoon. I didn’t want to add “Wrecking priceless military equipment during the journey back” to my reasons for the Major to despise me. I sighed, replaying the fight endlessly in my head, every stupid move I’d made, every dumb trick I’d fallen for. We all arrived at around the same time. Amy couldn’t look me in the eyes, and Emma looked exhausted, and covered with cactus juice. None of us spoke as we dressed our wounds and got ourselves looked over.

  The Major didn’t look much better than we did. She looked outright haunted, like she’d been there in the heat of battle with us. I couldn’t look her in the eyes. She looked across the three of us. Her voice seemed flat, exhausted, burned out even. Not the anger I expected, not proud, just tired.

  “Alright, debrief. I’ve heard back from Canberra. The event we’ve just been through represents the single largest attack on Australian soil since World War Two. We were caught off-guard, and without the kind of resources that you previously may have had access to. And as poorly as things have gone today, they could easily have been so much worse.”

  I sighed, knowing exactly what The Major meant. I was already playing alternate scenarios in my mind, knowing how things could have gone wrong. The Major continued. “I’m not going to pretend that I’m happy with how things have gone today: on multiple occasions, you were outwit and outmanoeuvred, and in some cases, I would consider you all to have survived as a matter of good luck as opposed to good management. But today, you three were called upon to do the impossible. That we avoided a mass casualty event is a kind of victory. That the three of you went in, fought and survived the kind of battle that neither the Crystalline Sisters nor Staaldier ever fought, that in and of itself is a kind of victory. Roland, I want to give a particular commendation to, for taking on a numerically superior force and allowing QPS’ Special Emergency Response Team the ability to evacuate with the hostages. I was admittedly a little sceptical, but you’ve proven yourself a valuable asset to the Crystalline Initiative. You two, on the other hand, I’m not sure.”

  I bowed my head, like a prisoner before the axe falls. The Major pulled up a chair. “On the one hand, ?ojjell, Beltran, you two showed a willingness to see the mission through, and a level of bravery that I’m sure that the Australian Defence Force would be very proud of. You used unconventional tactics against an unconventional set of foes, and your actions were instrumental in routing enemy forces. On the other hand, you all forgot the one lesson that your previous experience should have taught you. The three of you always operated in teams. Not solo operators, teams. Now, Beltran, I can understand you got ambushed, and I understand taking the initiative, but I don’t need to remind you of what could’ve gone wrong here. ?ojjell, what was your excuse? All the information I have available, suggests that you had always operated in a team. Why did you decide to split off?”

  Amy didn’t look up either. The Major shook her head. “I’ll choose to focus on the fact that you three are still alive. All our intel suggest that Detritus and Che Saguaro have been destroyed, at least for now. Now, we focus on repairs, staying vigilant and keeping very quiet, and hopefully selling some damn toys. If there’s one silver lining, it’s that our factory remains up and running, so the Initiative’s goals haven’t changed. If you three need to talk to somebody, let me know and I’ll see if we can book some counselling or something. The three of you are dismissed.”

  Emma stayed back to talk to The Major about something or other, and I went back to the lockers to grab something from my bag. I hadn’t eaten anything all day, and I was feeling peckish. I pulled out a protein bar, when I saw Amy pacing, and looking at her phone. An alert came through, and she sank to the floor, looking relieved. I shrugged.

  “Heard from what’s-his-face?”

  “Yeah. He’s fine. He was away from the city when all this was going down. So he’s not hurt at least. And my parents are okay, so really, that just leaves Feather Locklear.”

  I looked away, chewing my protein bar, flavourless and powdery as it was. The way she looked at me was half concern, half accusation. I finished my bite, and she sat down in front of me.

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  “I need you to tell me something. Back in the Crystalline Sisters, we never lost anybody. I used to think that it’s because we were great fighters, but maybe we just never faced a real threat. And I don’t know what happened back in Staaldier but-”

  I sank back in my chair. “I know what you’re about to say, Amy. Don’t. I knew the risks, and I accepted them as necessary to complete the mission. That’s what I’m trained to do.”

  I looked up. She looked horrified, like I’d just grown extra heads. She was making sounds, but nothing coherent. I’d come off too harsh, but I had to disrupt her.

  “Amy, I can’t speak for the Crystalline Sisters, but at the end of the day, me and the guys back in Staaldier were soldiers: We knew what we were all getting into, and we accepted the risks as necessary to complete the mission. Even me. Now I’m not going to pretend I was great at being a soldier: I sucked at being a soldier once Staaldier got shut down, but The Major and I, we know what can happen out there. More importantly, we know what happens if we don’t do it. I know what I signed up for.”

  We were quiet for a moment. Amy looked mentally exhausted, and I didn’t want to push her any further. I softened my tone.

  “I get it: you were scared for me back there. I’m going to be okay now, and I need you to worry about looking after yourself. And if you ever need to talk to somebody, then talk to me, talk to Emma, talk to the Major. Shit, I can give you the number of the guy I spoke to when I got out the Army. Specializes in veterans’ mental health, best in the business. If I do nothing else for you, at least let me give you this.”

  Silence again. Amy nodded, and I texted her the number for my old therapist from once I got out the Army. I wanted to hug her, to make her feel like everything would be alright. But she shifted away from me. I couldn’t think of anything else to say, so I kept eating my stupid, tasteless protein bar, looking like an absolute fuckwit. Once again, I looked at my phone, seeing the photo of McClear and Giallo in my mind’s eye. I closed my eyes. Not today, not now, and definitely not from me.

  This was the kind of thing that demanded sensitivity and a delicate touch: in other words, the complete opposite of the person I knew that I was. As Amy walked away from the break room, probably to talk to Emma or The Major, I finished my protein bar and chucked the wrapper in the bin, like I hadn’t been on fire maybe an hour or so ago. I sat in the corner, focusing on the buzzing of the lights as I closed my eyes.

  After I left Port Moonstone, I hadn’t thought about my Year 12 formal in years. Sure, I’d had worse moments in my life, but the memories of the fight were a reminder of the absolute asshole that I didn’t want to be anymore. But the memories were replaying, over and over again, and I was stuck trying to answer a question I’d been dodging for a decade. Amy was right: to her, I’d only been part of a rival organization, and a voice on the radio. Even though I’d been friends with her best friend’s brother, we’d never actually met: I’d heard the name once or twice, but things had never aligned, and I definitely didn’t know about her boyfriend, except as a whispered rumour. So given these factors, why did I actually give a damn whether or not Sebastian Giallo was a cheater or not?

  Then I remembered seeing Amy at the formal for the first time as a normal human being. Sure, I’d seen her before then briefly, as the Crystal Guardian Amethyst, but only from a distance and behind the cockpit of Puma One. It wasn’t any one thing that struck me, more the combination: her freckled olive skin contrasting with that purple dress she wore, her long dark hair and adorable glasses, a soft laugh and a smile that could light up a city, let alone a room.

  I don’t believe in love at first sight: Mum taught me well in that regard. She said that you could maybe fall in love with a shadow without truly knowing the person, but a real, genuine and lasting love could only come with deep connection and knowledge of who the other person is, inside and out. Dad, on the other hand, used to describe the moment that he met my mother as the bolt from the blue. I used to write it off as a side effect of trying to write too many love songs back in Chile, but in that moment that I saw Amy for the first time, I understood what Dad was talking about. I’d never been a fan of romance anime, but in that moment, I understood why people chase it. In that moment, I wanted someone who would look at me the way she looked at him, someone who could see the good in me when I had trouble seeing it. And to see that smile, that look of genuine adoration, wasted on the one person who could never appreciate it, seemed like a crime.

  But then again, as romantic as all this sounds, I had to remind myself how it all ended: in accusations, with Amy trying to stand up for Sebastian, and in a fight. So maybe my motives weren’t as noble as I wanted them to be. Maybe deep down, I was still the same bastard that put Sebastian through a plastic table, all in a dumb fight over a girl that neither of us would end up with, in the end. And maybe that’s all I’d ever be.

  I snorted. The Major was right. I probably did need a hobby. I walked over to where she was standing, staring into the computer monitor, like she was looking for the meaning of life itself. I knocked politely on the desk. She didn’t bother to turn around. I saluted out of habit. She frowned.

  “We’re not in the Army anymore, Beltran. No need for all that. You’ll need to stay overnight. I’ve received word from Canberra. Diggers will be patrolling the streets tonight, possibly tomorrow. Checkpoints are set up. Nobody gets in or out, until tomorrow at the earliest. Get comfy.”

  “I guess I just wanted to make sure you’re holding up okay, Major. Do you think they’ll try another round?”

  “Unsure. Today just rewrote the rulebook on what we can expect, and Signals are understandably playing their cards to their chest. Even if they did, not a lot you can do: Silverback’s going to need repairs and restock. You’ve done more than enough today.”

  I nodded, looked down, waiting to be dismissed, but it never came. The Major just kept poring over documents, searching for an insight that mustn’t have actually been there. I waited for an uncomfortably long time before The Major finally turned to me with a suspicious look on her face.

  “Look, I’ve got to ask: did you send that letter to Amy ?ojjell?”

  My blood froze. My jaw dropped. She thought I might have sent her that letter? I could barely stand. “N-no! I- I didn’t! I’d never! I- you think I did that? Major, I didn’t-”

  I felt my body burn, the kind that’s like touching a metal handrail on a hot day, even as the room grew colder and colder. I looked around and found myself back in that barracks in Pucka. I saw The Major pointing a knife at my throat, but she wasn’t the only one. I saw Sophie Kessler’s eyeless corpse and Jim Parkes’ waterlogged body lying on the floor, as they both rose, looking at me with utter hatred on their faces. I turned to find somewhere to run, but I saw Emma pointing a blade at my throat, as Sebastian and McClear stepped out from behind her, smiling this creepy fucking smile at me, a smile which went way too wide for their faces. I begged everyone for mercy, but when they all spoke, they spoke in unison, with the same voice, that cold, wet, rasping voice that had tormented me in my dreams already.

  “It doesn’t matter. She’ll never believe you. They’ll never believe you either. And when I devour your city, they’ll die blaming you.”

  As everyone raised their knives and descended on me, I woke with a scream, still in that break room. My breaths were heavy. I wasn’t sure what had happened, but I knew: we had to find a way to get at Rahab. I wasn’t sure how much of this I could take.