Lisa must've hit her head when she woke up today.

  It was the only explanation she had for what she was seeing right now. That or a cosplay convention – and since when did cons host in a middle-of-nowhere town still recovering from the Outsiders?

  Stay calm. Don't freak. She nervously adjusted her Grab-And-Gulp cashier's uniform, taking a moment to try and make sense of the situation. They're just customers. Nothing strange about them whatsoever.

  Or so she told herself, pointedly ignoring how most of them were wearing clothes seemingly ripped from a medieval fantasy show.

  Even setting aside how they were dressed, the fact that they were here at all was already a huge surprise. Who in their right mind got up at 6 AM for the overpriced garbage this store called food? People weren't meant to exist before the sun had fully risen. It was inhumane self-torture, and anyone willing to subject themselves to it was a walking red flag.

  Lisa didn't count. Much like most college students, she needed the extra cash by any means necessary, and this was the only place willing to hire someone with a resume as barren as hers.

  Not my fault the fucking planet got invaded by monsters, she seethed. Kinda makes it hard to find work when society is imploding! Try telling that to referral companies, though. Bunch of pompous pricks – oh shit the cosplayers are here.

  Pushing her lips up into a strained cashier-friendly smile, Lisa greeted her customers with the exuberance that 6 AM deserved. "Hello. Welcome to Grab-And-Gulp. Please try our new cinnamon pretzel bucket. Limited time offer."

  Their group of six stopped several feet away. One of them – a guy around Lisa's age – stepped forward. She quickly focused her attention on him, because the other five were breaking her brain.

  "Nice to meet you," he greeted, as if nothing was out of the ordinary. His eyes traveled up to the menu hanging above. "Mind if we take a couple minutes to browse? My friends aren't from around here."

  Lisa swallowed an anxious laugh before it could escape. She really, really didn't like what 'not from around here' implied.

  "No problem." They're just cosplayers. "Take your time." Just. Cosplayers. "Let me know if you need anything." You're not a child, Lisa! Elves aren't real!

  Of course, monsters hadn't been real before the Outsiders invaded...and those pointy ears looked way too realistic to be an outfit.

  Standing right behind the only normal dude were four honest-to-god elves. One guy, one girl – also around Lisa's age – and two younger kids that seemed to be in their mid-teens. All four had lithe frames, short statures, and silver-white hair. They didn't waste any movement as they walked forward, their perfect postures lending them an air of unearthly speed and fluidity.

  As if that wasn't enough, the sixth member of their group was some sort of dragon-lady. She had vibrant golden hair, piercing eyes, scales covering half her skin, and a tall, intimidating physique that screamed 'amazonian goddess'. The woman couldn't have looked more different than her friends, but somehow, she didn't feel out of place among them.

  To an extent, most of their physical characteristics and medieval-style attire could've been excused as cosplay wizardry. Lisa had seen pictures online that were basically magic. Makeup, prosthetics, and digital editing could seriously work wonders.

  Yet even those touched-up images couldn't compare to the five not-humans silently examining Grab-And-Gulp's menu. The elves and dragon lady felt as if they'd jumped straight out of Photoshop and into reality. It was almost uncanny how flawless their features were.

  Like they were designed to look that way.

  Frankly, the older girl elf was making Lisa feel inadequate, and she wasn't someone who lacked confidence in her appearance. Shit, I think the *guy* elf is making me feel inadequate too. What the fuck even ARE those eyelashes?!

  "What do you suggest, Rob?" the elf girl suddenly asked, glancing over at their group's lone bastion of normalcy. "Many of these words are foreign to me. Cinnamon, chocolate...is salt the same here as in Elatra? Never had the chance to sample it back home."

  "It's a lot more common on Earth," the guy – Rob – clarified. "You might as well try a little bit of everything. That's the whole reason we came here."

  Lisa was immediately struck by four thoughts in rapid succession.

  The first thought was that, improbably, impossibly, she'd been right. Those five people weren't human. Weren't from Earth. Her part-time corner store gig had just become ground zero for an international incident.

  The second was that she'd maybe seen Rob before – although she couldn't quite remember where.

  The third was that she should call 911. Now. While these Outsiders were much easier on the eyes than the last batch of creatures that visited Earth, they were still Outsiders. The police had to know. And the government, and the freaking President. If Lisa were smart, she would've quietly excused herself and started sprinting before the elves or dragon lady randomly turned hostile.

  The fourth was screw that, because this was the most interesting thing to happen to her in two decades of living.

  "Might I suggest our Variety Pack?" From the depths of her beleaguered soul, Lisa somehow managed to locate her customer service voice, speaking to the Outsiders in a chipper, upbeat tone. "It's on sale today."

  "Still way more expensive than two years ago," Rob muttered to himself. A moment later, his face brightened, shining with a mixture of glee and schadenfreude. "Which is why we're on the government's dime. If Chase doesn't want me racking up fees, then he'd better start implementing some of my suggestions."

  Government's dime? Chase? Before Lisa could parse what he was saying, Rob whipped out a silver credit card from his pocket. The motion looked so ridiculously quick that it was like his body was on fast-forward. "Six variety packs, please." He reached over the counter, politely handing his card to her.

  She almost turned and ran.

  It wasn't a conscious thought. For one brief, terrible instant, Lisa's instincts had screeched at her to flee. Every bone in her body resonated with horror, telling her that she was in grave danger. That an apex predator was nearby. That an avatar of death was mere inches away, patiently waiting for her to take his credit card.

  Then she blinked, and the moment was gone.

  Shaking her head, Lisa processed Rob's order and started heating up six freeze-dried meals. Weird. Must've had too much coffee earlier. Or not enough.

  To be fair, the arrival of five beauty-pageant-winning Outsiders was probably affecting her nerves more than she'd realized. Need to get my head in the game. This was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity; she couldn't blow it by making an ass of herself in public. Again.

  Besides – out of everyone here, from the graceful elves to the imposing dragon lady, Rob definitely wasn't who she should be focusing on. He was the chaperone, the normal one.

  ...I think.

  --

  Grab-And-Gulp's patented Variety Packs? were an unholy smorgasbord of flavors that prioritized quantity over quality. You wouldn't have known that from the way Rob's group peered at the kitchen, though. Their eyes were borderline reverential as they sniffed the carbohydrate-filled air.

  Lisa did her best to ignore them and get their meals ready. However, it was difficult to tune out an otherworldly peanut gallery who thought that heating up a stove merited excited pointing and hushed whispering. For a hot minute, their over-the-top reactions halfway convinced her that she was, like, an actual chef.

  Then she reminded herself that she couldn't handle anything more complicated than pressing On and watching a timer.

  "Is that an Enchanted Item?" one of the kids asked – the young elf girl. Her eyes sparkled with interest, as if she wanted to jump into the kitchen, dismantle the oven, and puzzle out how it worked. "One of those...electrical devices?"

  Lisa shamelessly eavesdropped as she worked, doing her utmost to pretend that she was invisible. It was shocking what people would casually reveal when they were 'just' around staff. In her weeks at Grab-And-Gulp, she'd overheard scandalous gossip from customers that you couldn't have tortured out of them otherwise.

  "Yup," Rob answered. "Pretty much everything on Earth that seems like magic will be an electrical device. Even if it's glowing. Remember, no mana means no Artificers or Enchanted Items."

  Concern entered his gaze. "You guys are doing okay, right? No issues with mana deprivation?"

  The five fantasy folk all nodded in unison. "Galling as it is to be barred from casting spells," the elf girl grumbled, "I understand the necessity. We'll be judicious with our MP reserves. Promise."

  Next to her, the other kid – an elf boy – smiled. "I'll be here to ensure she honors that promise."

  "Why do you need to ensure anything?!"

  "Because I know you, Malika. You'd summon lightning for the first Human who doubted your prowess – or requested an exhibition."

  Malika. Lisa froze as she heard the name spoken by the girl's...brother? They totally had that teasing sibling energy. If not family, then close friends.

  They're people, she thought, truly comprehending that fact for the first time. These weren't just unknowable Outsiders. They were people, with friends and family and social lives.

  And if she made a bad impression, they would go back to wherever they'd come from and tell everyone that Earth sucked – especially that annoying loser Lisa. She'd condemn her entire goddamn planet to a negative interdimensional Yelp review. 1 Star, Dislike, Do Not Recommend. This...this is...

  So far above her pay grade that it wasn't funny.

  "This restaurant's head cook is quite skilled," the dragon lady added, with a glance of approval. "She is clearly a master of her profession if she can prepare six meals so efficiently."

  ...But hey, in for a penny, in for a pound. These were still the nicest people Lisa had talked to in ages, and she only slightly minded how depressing that sounded.

  Her eavesdropping continued, with Lisa gradually picking up bits and pieces of info. The dragon lady was named Meyneth, and the young elf boy was Orn'tol. Malika and Orn'tol were absolutely siblings.

  The older elf boy was called Vul'to. She couldn't get a bead his personality; he'd barely spoken three sentences. Maybe he was the strong silent type, content to sit back and watch as long as everyone else was happy?

  As for the older elf girl–

  "Return my greatsword."

  Rob aimed a wry grin at her. "We've been over this, Keira."

  The elf narrowed her eyes. "You claimed that I shouldn't carry a visible weapon with me, as it would 'spook the locals'. I graciously acquiesced, deferring to your knowledge of Earth cultural mores."

  She swept her arm out, gesturing at the empty Grab-And-Gulp parking lot. "Where, pray tell, are the Earth locals? What's the purpose of hiding if there's no one to hide from?"

  "It's early in the day – more people could show up soon. We won't be here for long, so hang in there."

  Lisa leaned closer, drinking in their conversation like a dying woman at an oasis. This wasn't quite drama, but it was enthralling nonetheless. Rob and Keira seemed completely at ease around each other...

  To the point where alarm bells were blaring inside her head. No way, are they–

  "Fine," the elf muttered. "Very well. My torture continues, unceasing and unabated."

  Rob faltered. "How much of that was sarcasm?"

  "I am exaggerating...somewhat. Nevertheless, being separated from my greatsword like this is not a pleasant experience."

  Keira grimaced, tapping her leg with a hint of nervous energy. "It isn't uncommon for Combat Class users to grow inordinately attached to their chosen implement of war. Think of Zamira's blade, Malika's magic. Like them, my sword is a source of comfort, solace, and relief."

  "Right." Rob winced. "Sorry, wouldn't have asked if I'd known it would be that bad. Guess this was a bit of a blind spot for me."

  "That's because you're a deranged lunatic of a fighter whose 'chosen implement of war' is whatever explosives are within throwing range."

  "Aw, thanks. And on that note, I'd be pissed as hell if my Firebombs were somehow removed from my Bound Items, so I do get where you're coming from."

  Having reached a decision, Rob extended his arm out. Lisa observed curiously as–

  There was a flash of a blue light.

  A giant fucking sword appeared in his hand.

  Lisa resisted the urge to rub her eyes. The greatsword was a large hunk of dense metal, so thick that it looked more suited for smashing things than cutting them. If she'd tried to lift it, she probably would've snapped her spine like a twig.

  Rob was effortlessly holding it up. As if it was made of cardboard. He handed the oversized weapon to Keira – who, for the record, was two inches shorter than Lisa.

  The elf seized it with both hands and a wide smile. "Much obliged," she purred, fastening the greatsword onto her back with practiced ease.

  I...need to take a picture of this. Maybe it was a defense mechanism from seeing yet another impossible sight, but Lisa felt driven to document this moment for posterity. She hurriedly peered down to grab her phone from her pocket.

  When she looked back up, Keira was staring directly at her.

  To her credit – and despite being scrutinized by a drop-dead gorgeous elf – Lisa didn't panic. Her neurons had been fried so badly that they'd looped back to serenity. "Can I help you?" she asked, with surprising nonchalance.

  This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

  "I merely wanted to apologize if my greatsword's presence is distressing," Keira said, wearing a contrite expression. "While it is of importance to me, I understand that denizens of Earth may interpret Elatran weapons as a threat. If it would help assuage any fears: I solemnly vow that no harm shall come to you this day."

  Stay calm. Don't be a spaz. You can't possibly bomb this worse than your last job interview.

  "No problems here," Lisa remarked. "Cool sword. It...uh...looks heavy."

  The elf put on a savage grin. "That it is."

  For reasons she didn't fully grasp, Lisa got the sense that she'd scored Keira brownie points.

  --

  "Now, I know none of you are gonna listen to me," Rob admitted, "but eat slowly. Savor the flavors. Elatra doesn't have most of them, so take the time to figure out what your favorite is."

  Lisa watched as Keira, Meyneth, Vul'to, Malika, and Orn'tol gingerly poked their forks at the Variety Packs. They each selected a flavor at random, taking small, guarded bites.

  Ten seconds later, all caution had been thrown to the wind. Pretzels were devoured. Cinnamon rolls were reduced to atoms. The group ate with the voracity of sugar-induced twelve-year-olds, demolishing their meals at a frenzied, ravenous pace.

  From the safety of her kitchen, Lisa quietly began heating up six more Variety Packs.

  "Astounding," Meyneth proclaimed. She shoved a handful of ultra spicy nachos into her mouth, heedless of the tears welling in her eyes. "Is this considered gourmet food on Earth, Rob?"

  The human paused, glancing down at his tray of prepackaged dreck. "...It is in my heart."

  Vul'to nodded insistently. "I am in agreement. This was worth undergoing life-threatening Soul Surgery to regain my Elven body. Couldn't have journeyed to Earth were I still a Fiend."

  He sent a kind, angelic smile towards the kitchen. "My thanks for the wonderful food, Lisa – that is your name, correct? It's written on the tag attached to your garments."

  "Yup! Thaaat's me!" She shyly waved, then turned away, mentally kicking herself. Don't bother. Just look at him! 'Out of your league' doesn't even begin to describe it.

  Also, he's a potentially dangerous Outsider, which is important too I guess.

  "Speaking of Fiends..." Blue light flashed again as Rob's food suddenly disappeared. "Promised Faelynn I would bring her some of Earth's finest delicacies. Be back in a sec."

  More blue light. This time, Rob himself disappeared. None of his friends seemed to be disturbed by that.

  They were proven right five minutes later when he popped back into existence. "Delivery complete. If this Leader of Fiend territory thing doesn't pan out, I could make a killing on cross-world Doordash."

  Ah. He teleported. To another world, apparently.

  Lisa shrugged with acceptance. No need to question every little detail – not when the crazy train was still heading full-speed down the tracks.

  "How are Zamira and Faelynn faring?" Keira asked, mumbling through a mouth full of chocolate. "I've asked, but I can never tell if they're lying to assuage my concerns."

  Rob gave her a thumbs-up. "They're doing good. Took a while for some territories to 'get' the concept of humanitarian aid, but I think the Order of Zamira is really starting to pick up momentum."

  "Didn't Zamira ask people not to call it that?"

  "Yeah, but everyone still does. She also refuses to visit Earth unless Faelynn can too, which is adorable. Based on how the both of them reacted to the food I delivered, I think they'll be petitioning an Artificer for a solution sooner rather than later. Either that or contacting Malika for a custom-made spell."

  Out of nowhere, Malika stopped eating, her face stricken with guilt.

  "I'm wasting too much time here," she whispered. "There's so many endeavors I could be furthering right now. Have to help the Skills, and the Fiends, and–"

  "Malika." Orn'tol placed a soothing hand on her shoulder. "Would you say that a Ranger should never stop training, even when their muscles are strained, overburdened, and at the brink of lifelong injury?"

  She lowered her gaze. "No."

  "Well, your mind is the same. It needs rest. If you don't make time for yourself, then how will you have Stamina for when it matters most?"

  "But–"

  "You've earned this day. Now reap your rewards." Orn'tol pushed a pile of cinnamon bites towards her. "As a wise man once spoke: savor the flavor."

  Malika hesitated only briefly before devouring her food with renewed fervor.

  None of the Variety Packs lasted much longer than that. Lisa would've been impressed if she hadn't survived multiple Saturday night rushes by now. Rob's group could pack away a meal – especially with how enthusiastic they were – but they couldn't match drunk sports fans who'd just watched their team lose, seeking to drown their sorrows in cholesterol.

  "I believe I'd like to visit Earth more often," Keira declared, with a look of utter satisfaction. "Are you certain I don't owe this establishment any coin, Rob?"

  "Yup. El Presidente has got us covered." He smiled. "Besides, paying for the occasional meal is part of my official boyfriend duties...though I'm not sure it counts if it's with someone else's money."

  "We're Combat Class users. Purchasing gifts with funds plundered from an enemy is the height of romance."

  I KNEW IT. Lisa fist-pumped behind the counter, feeling a sense of petty victory over her accurate prediction. They're an item! She'd definitely gotten that vibe from them! Would've called it even earlier if they weren't so...

  She struggled to think of a kinder word than 'mismatched'. No offense to Rob, he wasn't bad looking or anything, but Keira was a smokeshow. Vul'to too. Meyneth wasn't quite Lisa's type, but the cashier still recognized hotness when she saw it, and she knew some people who'd go positively bananas for an amazonian dragon lady.

  Is everyone from their world hot? How is that fair at all? What kind of game does Rob have to land a literal elf?

  Hold on, if Keira is dating him, then do they think *humans* are hot? Hmm. Is Vul'to single? Could I have a chance with him?

  It was an intrusive thought – yet rather than weed it out, Lisa chose to let the idea plant roots in her brain. Despite her reservations, it was growing more appealing by the second.

  Stay calm. Don't jump the gun. Are you really going to rizz up an unknown, alien Outsider just because he reminds you of your childhood crush on Legolas?

  She didn't even need to answer that question.

  Before Lisa could decide on her plan of attack, though, Rob got up and walked over to the counter. "Thanks for being chill about all this," he said to her, sounding genuinely grateful. "I imagine you've got tons of questions you've been dying to ask."

  "Oh, uh, just a few–"

  Lisa cut herself off, squinting at Rob's face. "Wait...now I remember you! You're the guy who vanished into a portal! It was at the college near here."

  Not her college, of course. Rob's campus had been shut down by the government shortly after his disappearing act. Lisa was attending a respectable school where students didn't get eaten alive by magic gateways to who knows where. She wouldn't have joined a haunted death-college even if it offered free tuition.

  Okay, maybe if it'd offered.

  Rob scratched the back of his head, a complicated expression on his face. "Guess you saw my picture?"

  "Who hasn't? Your face dominated the news for, like, a solid month." And then later again, when his connection to Jason Miller revitalized interest in the incident.

  Are they still in touch? If I ask, could Rob get my Red Blur figurine autographed?

  "I'll keep that in mind," he sighed. "At least it took you twenty minutes to recognize me."

  Lisa tapped her chin. "Would've been faster if I'd remembered your real name. For some reason, I always thought it was Roy."

  Silence. Rob's mouth opened, but he didn't speak for some time.

  "You have got to be shitting me," he finally said.

  Their talk was interrupted by a loud, heavy sigh from Malika. "Earth food is dangerous," the young elf complained. "I love when it's here, but now I'm sad that it's gone."

  Her eyes widened. "Can we have more?"

  The five Elatrans all whipped around to stare at Lisa – and into the kitchen behind her. They looked eager, practically salivating at the thought. The human took an instinctive step back, as if she were a gazelle being sized up by a pack of hungry lions.

  "Cool your jets," Rob said, holding up both palms. "Figured this might happen. Let's take our time getting you guys used to Earth food. It's why I didn't order seconds."

  "But I already made seconds."

  The words had spilled out of Lisa's lips before she could stop them. Realizing that she now was the center of attention, she hastily pressed on. "I've got six Variety Packs that are just about ready. With how excited everyone was, well, I thought you'd want more?"

  Rob frowned. "I mean, it's not like it would hurt them, but–"

  "I'm willing to pay if he isn't." Keira fished some metal coins out of her pocket. "Are these sufficient compensation?"

  "You too, Keira?"

  "I refuse to be denied more cinnamon rolls. If there are consequences, I shall bear them with pride."

  In that moment, Lisa realized she was on the cusp of something important. A crossroads of her life. She didn't know why, just that it was.

  Is Rob right? Should I cut them off? Not that I could stop people who lift giant swords like paperweights, but...they apparently think I own this place, and they seem really respectful. If I tell them to leave, they probably will.

  Whatever response she'd been considering was blown away when she caught sight of Vul'to. The elf was looking directly at her, his gaze pleading, hopeful, and sincere.

  ...Damn you, puppy dog eyes.

  "You know what?" Lisa pointed at Keira's fistful of coins. "Metal from another world would probably be worth millions on Earth, so fuck it. Take the Variety Packs. Take the whole store if you want. My manager is a dick anyway."

  Corporate would've found some reason to fire her after today. She owed them squat. You offer a minimum wage salary, you're getting minimum wage loyalty, assholes.

  Lisa barely even noticed as Rob facepalmed – and as his friends' smiles all deepened.

  --

  President Holder's personal cell phone rang.

  He cursed loudly as the noise disturbed his concentration, then cursed again when he noticed the name on its caller ID. The second-most-powerful man in the world almost muted his phone, desiring nothing more than to hurl it into the nearest ravine.

  Instead, he pressed the Accept icon and held it to his ear. "Hello, Rob."

  "Hey there, Chase. How's work? Made any progress on my suggestions?"

  President Holder ground his teeth so tightly that it was a miracle they didn't crack. "I'm. Trying. You don't have the faintest idea of how difficult it is to force Congress to agree on anything. It's like herding hundreds of feral wet cats."

  Subject Delta hummed to himself. "Fair. You've got some leeway for now – and that wasn't why I called, regardless."

  Brushing past the ominous 'for now', Holder sighed. "Then what's so important you would contact me this early in the day?"

  "Just...thought you should have some forewarning. I brought my friends on a field trip, and things sorta–"

  The door to Holder's office burst open. "Mr. President," Winston panted, breathing heavily. "Check the news. Any channel."

  As Subject Delta went suspiciously quiet, Holder followed Winston's advice, turning on a widescreen TV embedded into the side wall. It was set to his favorite news network – the one that was most favorable to him, naturally.

  A migraine had already started forming when he was only halfway through the first headline.

  NEW OUTSIDERS INVADING EARTH?

  Right above its intentionally panic-inciting announcement, the channel was playing clear-as-day video feed of five Elatrans. Four elves, and one...dragonkin, if he remembered the term correctly. The Elatrans were standing inside the kitchen of a dilapidated Grab-And-Gulp.

  All hell had broken loose. Food was strewn about the floor without care. The kitchen's oven had been taken apart by a young elf girl, examining its pieces with an intense gaze as she absentmindedly ate potato chips. A young elf boy was assisting her, munching from the same pile.

  Another elf, older than the last two, was using her overly-large blade as a dinner plate for a massive pile of cinnamon bites. The dragonkin was challenging herself with the spiciest menu items on offer. One Grab-And-Gulp employee could be seen among the Elatrans – a freckled blonde human attempting to chat up yet another elf, who was ignoring her in favor of inhaling an entire tub of pretzel rolls.

  Finally, off to the side, there was Subject Delta. Posture stiff, arms crossed...and desperately fighting against the smile creeping onto his face.

  President Holder felt his blood pressure rising. As morbid curiosity got the better of him, he rapidly flipped through more channels.

  THE NEW OUTSIDERS: FRIEND OR FOE?

  PORTAL BOY REAPPEARS! RED BLUR UNAVAILABLE FOR COMMENT!

  CONFIRMED: ELVES REAL! WE WEREN'T CRAZY!

  IS FAST FOOD THE KEY TO INTRA-DIMENSIONAL PEACE?

  "Soooo..." An easygoing voice crackled through Holder's phone. "Your PR department can handle this, right?"

  God damnit, Rob.