The swirl door groaned open. Mist curled around their ankles as they stepped inside.
Three enormous snails stared back at them. Their shells glistened with faint runes, their eye-stalks swaying lazily. Slime trails shimmered across the floor.
The crystal pulsed smugly:
Ha. I lied. It’s snails. Attempts: 5.
Bert’s grin split his face. “See? I told you! Easy win.” He charged, cleaver raised.
The blade sliced straight through the snail’s gelatinous body. Goo splattered. Then the slime knit itself back together, the snail blinking slowly, unimpressed.
“…That’s cheating,” Bert muttered.
The three snails began to ooze forward. Slowly. Painfully slowly. Their shells scraped across the floor like grinding wheels.
The adventurers froze. Then, panic set in.
“Too strong,” Leo hissed, scribbling frantically.
“Too slimy,” Harlada groaned.
“Too close!” Bert yelped.
They spun and bolted back through the swirl door.
***
The door slammed behind them.
They leaned against it, panting.
“Okay,” Harlada gasped, “new plan. Smashing doesn’t work. They just… jiggle.”
Leo adjusted his glasses. “Observation: positional reset on re-entry. They returned to starting positions. Exploitable.”
Bert frowned. “Translation?”
“We make them crawl forward, then retreat. Reset the fight. Repeat indefinitely. Attrition by boredom.”
Harlada rubbed her temples. “So… we cheese the dungeon.”
“Correct,” Leo said primly.
They grinned. For once, maybe they had the upper hand.
***
They shoved the door open again.
The three snails sat back on their pedestals of slime, exactly where they had started.
“See?” Leo said smugly. “Predictable system.”
The snails began to ooze forward again, painfully slow.
“Okay,” Harlada muttered, “now we just—”
They grabbed the door. Together, they heaved it shut—
The crystal pulsed cheerfully:
Patch Notes v1.08: Door Cheese Removed. Doors now remain locked during encounters.
The door sealed with a clang.
“…We’re trapped,” Harlada whispered.
The snails squelched closer, inch by inch.
***
Bert whimpered. “We’re doomed.”
“No,” Harlada snapped. She dug into her pouch, pulling out a pinch of dried rations. “Salt. Worth a try.”
She hurled it across the floor. White grains scattered across the slime trails.
The nearest snail touched it—
HISSSSSS.
The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.
Its body smoked and shriveled, leaving behind an empty shell that collapsed with a dull thud.
The other two froze, eye-stalks wobbling nervously.
Harlada grinned, sparks dancing in her eyes. “Salt. Always salt.”
The crystal pulsed, sulky this time:
Weakness Discovered: Sodium Chloride. Balance Pending.
Leo scribbled furiously. “New strategy acquired.”
Bert blinked, still pale. “…We just killed a monster with dinner.”
The snails inched backward, clearly reconsidering.
***
The two remaining snails froze mid-slime. Their eye-stalks wobbled nervously. Then, with agonizing slowness, they retracted into their shells.
A strip of damp cloth poked out from one of them. White. Floppy. A surrender flag.
The crystal pulsed with visible irritation:
Encounter Status: Snails have yielded. Combat aborted.
The adventurers stood blinking.
“…Did we just get a forfeit?” Harlada asked.
Leo adjusted his cracked glasses. “Correct. Statistically unprecedented. Monsters do not surrender.”
Bert’s jaw dropped. “They gave up? To us?!”
The snails waved their soggy flag again, trembling.
Harlada frowned. “Wait. If they can surrender… does that mean they’re… sentient?”
Leo hesitated, quill hovering. “…Possibly. Communication implies cognition. Cognition implies awareness.”
Bert scratched his head. “Translation?”
“They might be people,” Harlada said softly.
The three froze.
“People we were about to boil in garlic butter,” Bert muttered.
“Correction,” Leo said, “people forced into combat roles by a malevolent system. Ethical ramifications are… troubling.”
Harlada groaned. “Great. Now I feel guilty.”
The crystal pulsed smugly:
Achievement Unlocked: Ethical Dungeoneering (Debatable). Reward: None.
They groaned in unison.
“Fine,” Harlada muttered, stuffing the salt back into her pouch. “No escargot. We back out.”
Bert crossed his arms, sulking. “Statistically unfair. They’re food and now they’re citizens?”
“Statistically merciful,” Leo corrected primly. “Sentience requires restraint.”
With one last nervous glance at the surrendered snails, the three turned and shoved the swirl door back open.
The cracked-skull door pulsed in the gloom, grinning silently from the far wall.
Leo sighed. “Back to the puzzle, then.”
Bert groaned. “Or back to starving.”
Harlada muttered, “We need better ethics.”
The dungeon rumbled like it was laughing at them.
***
They lingered at the door, half-turned back toward the cracked-skull chamber.
The two surviving snails peeked out from their shells, eye-stalks wobbling like nervous antennae. The surrender flag drooped between them.
Harlada rubbed her temples. “Okay… new thought. If they’re sentient enough to surrender, maybe they’re sentient enough to… talk?”
Leo’s quill twitched. “An inquiry. A test of communication.”
Bert frowned. “We’re gonna… ask the snails for hints?”
They turned back into the room.
Harlada cleared her throat awkwardly. “Uh… hey. Do you guys know how to solve a skull puzzle? Three skulls, two bones, looks impossible.”
The snails blinked slowly. One spat a trail of slime that almost, almost looked like a shrug. The other retracted deeper into its shell.
The crystal pulsed smugly:
NPC Dialogue: Unavailable. Language barrier detected.
The three groaned.
“Well,” Bert muttered, “if they can’t help us, then…” He raised his cleaver halfway. “We’ll have to kill them anyway. Right?”
Harlada winced. “If they’re sentient, that’s… murder.”
Leo adjusted his glasses grimly. “Correction: it is both murder and statistically inevitable. If progression requires puzzle clearance, then non-compliance means extermination.”
“Translation?” Bert asked.
“We kill them if the puzzle stays unsolved,” Harlada said flatly.
They stood in silence, the snails watching nervously from their shells.
The crystal pulsed again, far too cheerfully:
Achievement Unlocked: Ethical Dungeoneering Crisis. Reward: Existential Dread.
The adventurers groaned.
