We pregamed at Hisato’s house tonight. It smelled different, and not in a good way, but I didn’t say anything until we were all sitting around drinking, listening to what seemed to be a playlist of disco hits while an unrelated film, black and white and older than disco, played muted on a new large flatscreen TV, when something else black and white appeared and jumped into my lap. “You got a kitten? So it’s the litter box I smell.”

  “So precious!” Rosanna cried.

  “Yeah, she’s a stray,” Grace explained. “Bao and Dao brought her to the vet. No chip so she’s Hisato’s. Tell her how you found her, Poo Boo.”

  “There’s not much to tell. I was on one of my regular long contemplative walks on the beach and…”

  “Your what?”

  “That’s something that only exists on his Grindr profile,” Corinne sneered.

  “Yeah, anyhow, I suddenly hear this helpless meowing up a tree.”

  “Oh my god,” said Darcy, rolling her eyes.

  “So up like a palm tree?”

  “It doesn’t matter what kind of tree. So I climb up my ladder…”

  “You had a ladder? Why didn’t you fly?”

  “Because then I wouldn’t be wearing a sexy fireman outfit. Look, Orly, your interruptions are ruining my story.”

  “Sorry.” I pet the kitten who began purring.

  Grace touched my free hand. “Let me tell you instead, Orly. Someone can’t seem to tell the truth tonight.”

  “I can’t handle the truth!”

  “Our story’s hero was kneeling in an alley behind a bar giving a blowjob to some unknown villain when our little baby came out of the shadows and began meowing that she was hungry. The unknown villain, who was standing and trying to cum kicked her away, and our superhero spit his dick out, stood up, stomped on and shattered the bones of his offending foot, snapped his neck, and left him dead in the alley with his villainous dick still poking out. Our capeless crusader then picked up the kitty and brought her home.”

  “That’s much more believable,” I remarked.

  “Why didn’t you give me a cape? I deserve a fucking cape! And he wasn’t ‘trying to cum’ I just didn’t want him to yet!”

  “Hush, Poo Boo!”

  “Great superhero name,” Darcy laughed. “You need a diaper, not a cape.” And then everyone laughed at Hisato.

  “What did you name her?” I asked.

  “Blasphemy.”

  “Sounds like your cat. Hi, Blasphemy!” I said as I lifted her and kissed her tiny head and brushed my face against her whiskers.

  “She sleeps all day, just like us,” Grace smiled. “We even had a little coffin made for her. We leave the lid off, of course.”

  “That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard,” Rosanna said as she poured more wine for Grace and herself.

  “So Orly, how are things going with your two suitors?” Darcy asked.

  “I’m trying to keep the main thing the main thing,” I answered and Rosanna slammed the wine bottle down and in her own way, with her gentle laugh, she laughed her head off.

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  “What does that even mean?” Darcy replied, puzzled.

  “It’s just some worn out phrase. It doesn’t mean anything.”

  “It seems to mean something to Rosanna.”

  “Men are just stupid that’s all. You had to be there.”

  “Oh, is that all?”

  “I don’t really have anything new to report, but the vampire ball in San Francisco is coming up. I wanted to ask you all if you wanna go. I’m allowed to bring people.”

  “When is it?” Grace asked.

  “Next weekend. On Saturday.”

  “A ballroom full of wannabes who wannabe me? I’ll pass,” Hisato answered.

  “Same,” Corinne agreed.

  “Come on, help me look popular.”

  “Orly, you’re empress. You’re automatically popular,” Rosanna said.

  “Maybe, but mortals don’t know that.”

  “I wouldn’t want to intrude on your date though. You know what I mean?” Darcy asked.

  “What if I need moral support?”

  Blasphemy hopped off my lap.

  “I’m only available for immoral support,” Hisato answered.

  “To be honest, I’m looking for girlfriends more than anything else.”

  “I’m in,” Grace said happily.

  “If you put it like that, then I’ll go too,” Darcy added.

  “Thanks, girls,” I said.

  “Well fuck, if you’re gonna exclude me I’m definitely going. Me and Corinne both.”

  Corinne turned to him. “Hisato! Are you serious?”

  He turned to her. “I’ve always wanted to take you someplace where I can ask you for your first dance.”

  “Oh. (startled pause) I see. I didn’t know. (bites lip) Cuddle Bug, you made my blood blush.”

  Rosanna covered her open mouth with her hands and Grace squealed, “That was even more precious than Blasphemy!”

  I think we were all thinking the same thing. It was the most emotionally expressive tender reaction we had ever seen from Corinne. With vampiric grace which would have made her movements imperceptible to mortal eyes, she was suddenly in Hisato’s lap with her arms around his neck. It was difficult to determine who initiated their kisses.

  Darcy commented, “I just counted three love languages between them, but I think we can safely cross out Acts of Service.”

  “Pour me another drink, will you?” I asked. Darcy winked and refilled my tumbler. I blew an air kiss.

  “So yeah, at this ball we’re all now just dying to go to, can we kill them?” Hisato asked.

  “Since it’s my friend’s event, I’m asking that you not. Or if you do, be discreet.”

  He shrugged. “Discreet is an ugly middle name. How we getting there anyway?”

  “Private jet.”

  Grace laughed. “That sounds very discreet! Since when do you have a jet?”

  “My coven arranged it.”

  “I like this,” Corinne said, still contentedly perched on Hisato’s lap. I wasn’t sure if she was talking about my rented jet or was still relishing love languages.

  On the big flatscreen, three uniformed soldiers were tied to posts before a firing squad; the one on the left was injured, bandaged, and appeared unconscious, the tall one in the middle was crying, but from surround sound speakers that Le Freak, c’est chic song was playing. Not a good mashup.

  Grace asked, “Are you bringing the other one? Silviu?”

  Darcy replied, “Are you crazy? That’ll make everything awkward!”

  “I thought we were taking Corinne’s advice and letting them know about each other so they’ll compete for Orly.” She turned to me, “You know, let’s put ‘em together and see who fights for you!”

  In my gut I immediately felt putting ‘em together was another horrible mashup. “It wouldn’t be much of a fight,” I said. “Vance is mortal.”

  “I don’t mean fight like that. Let’s say you’re dancing with Silviu, then Vance can come up and tap him on the shoulder and say, ‘May I cut in?’”

  “That’s my dream!” Rosanna cried. “It’s so romantic!”

  Darcy scoffed. “This is total proof that we watch too many old movies in this house! Nobody asks to cut in anymore! Guys now just start pushing!”

  Grace shook her head. “Yeah, but I’ll bet most of the (air quotes) vampires attending this ball like to pretend they live in the 18th century when they did still cut in. Even Poo Boo here is talking about Corinne’s dance card.”

  I thought of Vance and his brocade vest. Maybe she had a point. But I still didn’t want him and Silviu in the same room even if it was a huge ballroom, where I could keep them at opposite ends, so I made the excuse that there wouldn’t be enough space on the private jet to bring all of them plus our Cob?lcescu visitors. I didn’t know if that was even true but none of them pushed it any further. I picked up my phone and texted Vance asking if I could have another suite with room for four coffins. It didn’t take long for him to text back and I smiled when he said I can have whatever I want. I told everyone it was all set and we did four rounds of tequila shots, toasting to San Francisco, private jets, wannabe vampires, and finally, Corinne’s blushing blood.

  Following the shots everyone got ready to leave for the club. Blasphemy would be left with the twins, Bao and Dao, who were in their rooms sleeping, resting before their masters returned with corpses for them to dispose of as part of their bargain.

  I began this entry by saying we were pregaming, but I didn’t end up going out. Despite their coaxing and enticing, I had them drop me off instead. I had enough social interaction for the night and felt like I just wanted to go home to my boyfriend, which I know I don’t actually have, but will still get into bed with and cuddle those words of his that I can have whatever I want.

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