“Futu-?i—” I ended up screaming as my leg got yanked violently sideways.
Pulling away only lead to more violent jostling. Teeth, or fangs, or claws or fuck-knows-what gnawed at the toe of my boot, pulling with spectacular force. I was lifted off the ground and slammed back down, all air driven out of me while I desperately tried to reach my sword.
It wasn’t in its scabbard.
The realisation got another scream out of me just before my mouth, nose, and eyes filled with dirt and leaves. I sputtered and clawed at my face.
When it seemed like my knee was about to pop out of its socket, I dug a hand into the earth and groped for some root to anchor myself on. I kicked with my free leg.
To my surprise, I managed to hit the creature on my second try. Steel toe to whatever appendage or orifice it used to hold me. It squealed and I finally caught proper sight of it.
It was some kind of giant naked skunk. Or a giant, hairless rat. It had two large front teeth snarling at me while shaking its muzzle. One of them was broken.
With an effort fuelled by panic and will I dragged myself away on my elbows and heels, trying to put some distance between me and the thing. On better analysis, it looked like a cross between a pig and a rat, skin a patchy pink mottled with grey and suppurating sores. Disgusting didn’t even begin to describe it.
For as ugly as it was, the size of it was the worst part. It was as big as a pony, squat, thick and snarling angry. It hissed and began advancing on me again.
It didn’t help that a giant Scrat loomed over us, reaching a four-clawed hand towards me. I screamed in blind panic. Then my back hit something solid and I looked up into the ugliest face I’ve ever seen in my life.
It was green. And had a huge, pointed nose, filled with warts. Frankly, the sight of its booger-encrusted nostrils occupied most of my view of the face, aside from the two yellow eyes staring at me.
The face, again, screamed. And then I got whacked in the head again.
“Human! Shut up!” a reedy voice commanded. It had a thick accent and a wheeze accompanied the words. “Shut up! Shut up! Too noisy. Too loud. Shut up!”
And I got hit again, this time right in my ribs before I could drag my feet under me. And again, the weedy voice repeating “Shut up!” over and over again.
I activated [IRON FLESH] and focused it on my right arm, from elbow down to my fingers, freezing my hand in a fist. When the seventh or eighth blow fell I raised my arm and was rewarded by a woody thunk as I blocked the stick. Immediately, I reached out with my left, grabbed it and yanked.
Plan was to use the leverage to pull myself to my feet. Instead, it brought the fucker crashing down on me. I had expected some resistance, but whatever this creature was, it was as light as a feather. And it stank to high Heaven!
I got a good, horrid taste of its pungent aroma as it dropped over me in a clatter and an avalanche of verbal abuse.
“Stinky human! Hands off! Thief! Help! Stinky thieving human! Tusk! Help I, Tusk!”
The mole-rat thing broke into a run and barrelled into us, teeth chomping as I wrestled with its master, or pet, or whatever the fuck was going on.
“I’m not a thief. Get off me!” I screamed as I wrestled with both of them on the ground.
When the rat tried to chomp at me, I stuck my hardened fist in its mouth and punched upward. Or downward. There was some confusion with regards to my general position. My MP bar was down to half already and draining quick.
The rat retched and I felt, in that strange distant haze that the skill provided, something soft wrapped around my arm.
“Tusk! No! You leave Tusk alone!” A rain of slaps and feeble fists slammed into my shoulder and face as I tried to extricate myself from the tangle. “Stinky human. Dirty human. Bad. Bad. Bad.”
“You leave me alone,” I screamed back. “Get off.”
“Thieving human! Leave Tusk alone. No hurt Tusk. Stinky human. Bad human. Bad. Bad. Bad.”
“I don’t know what a fucking Tusk is,” I screamed at the creature already screaming in my ear. “Get off me!”
Okay, it weighed nothing, but clung to my shirt with the strength of a bear while raining blows with this other four-fingered fist. One blow caught me in the mouth and I sputtered and tasted blood off a split lip. Another hit me in the nose. Another in my right eye socket.
The thing could fucking scrap, I’d give it that.
The rat whimpered and tried to pull away. Its large front teeth scratched at my arm but they were duller than they looked. It tried to drag me with it, but now that I had a good grasp—well, I had my arm down its throat up to my elbow—it proved far less inclined to violence.
“Stop!” I stiffened and put as much command into my voice as I could. “Stop! I’m not trying to hurt you.”
The chaos abruptly ended, aside from Tusk making retching sounds as it tried to back away. I twisted my arm and flexed, ending up holding on to the thing in this really, really unfortunate position. The one atop me had stopped and was letting out a wheezing rasp.
“I move, human,” it growled in my ear. “No hurt Tusk. Or I hurt you.”
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“Get off me,” I growled straight back.
I was panting with the effort and the panic, and was trying very, very hard not to react to the giant squirrel still looming and making stupid noises at me.
Finally the creature atop me moved. I’d been seeing green, dirty cloth up to here, and some fur, and some impression of a face. Now that it finally slithered off me, I got a good luck at my assailant.
It was a goblin. Or, at least, it was goblin-ish. It wore a dirty green coat that was several sizes too large for it, and had a head like a pick axe, the large, warty nose protruding all the way over its considerable stomach. Grimy, lank hair framed a square face. Yellow eyes stared at me accusingly from under two eyebrows like a couple mating caterpillars.
On its back, it wore a backpacks almost twice as large as it was. That thing had thrown off my initial read on the creature, thinking it much larger than it actually was.
With a wet sucking sound, I dragged my arm out of the rat’s mouth and pushed myself to my feet, holding my hands out to the duo. The goblin thing ran to the rat thing and hugged it, complete with cooing noises and pats on its scabby back.
“Jesus Christ,” I huffed and shook my head, trying to get rid of the spots dancing in my sight.
They refused to be budged, especially as my MP bar emptied entirely and I staggered with the drain. My arm returned to its soft, floppy self. I shook it dry of drool and cast my eyes about for my weapon.
It lay a few metres away, halfway buried beneath rotted leaves.
“Eternity,” I growled.
The dragon puffed into existence by my head. I didn’t look away from the goblin and rat scene, not wanting to give them another chance at ambushing me. My sword was a few paces away, but closer to Tusk.
“Yes?” Eternity asked, voice unperturbed.
“Bright flash on my signal.” I spoke quickly, plotting my way to the sword. How many steps. When to dive. When to grasp.
“Ready?” I asked, tensing for action.
“How bright?” Eternity asked.
I lost my shit. “What the fuck do you mean how bright?!” I turned and screamed at the dragon. “How fucking bright a light do you think I need to blind these two?”
“Ah.” Eternity turned towards the scene. The goblin and the rat turned towards us and Tusk was already growling at me. “A molerat is highly sensitive to light, as is a gnark. So a flash of light exceeding—”
I growled and Eternity fell silent. “That is not helpful, I take it?” it asked.
“You think? You did it without question with the stalker!”
“Glitch artefacts are not living beings. For the current situation, I was uncertain about your intentions. Causing permanent nerve damage doesn’t seem like something you’d entertain.”
Now the gnark was levelling a stick at me. It was about twice as tall as itself—which wasn’t much, since the creature was about waist-high for me—and had a gnarled knob on the end. My forehead throbbed in recognition of that weapon.
“Human, no move,” the gnark said, slurring the words. “Human, bad.”
“Yeah, fuck you, buddy,” I answered, fuming. Tusk growled at the gnark’s side, showing me its large, broken teeth. “Fuck you, too,” I said, just so it wouldn’t feel left out.
Could I reach the sword in a single leap? I was out of MP and the bar was recharging slowly, so no surge for now. I didn’t fancy another tumble with the disgusting duo.
“I’ll grab my sword and be on my way,” I said. “Alright? You leave me alone, I leave you alone. Good?”
The gnark—I was going to change its designation to goblin the very first chance I got—snarled at me, showing crooked yellow teeth. It wobbled the stick menacingly in my general direction.
“Human is thief. You no go until you give back what you stole.” Spittle flew from its mouth as it spoke. “Give back. Give.”
I watched my MP bar climbing back up, one sliver at a time. I would activate [ADRENALINE SURGE], grab my sword, then kick this fucker right in the groin and punt him over to the other side of the Brightleaf.
“I didn’t steal anything from you.” I readjusted my abused backpack. Thankfully, nothing sounded broken inside and the straps were still in one piece. I had dirt and leaves even down into my underwear, but all I wanted just then was to be on my way. I stared into those yellow eyes and spoke slowly, “I don’t need anything you might have.”
Just a little longer. The bar was almost at the level where I could activate the skill.
“Human stole sword,” the gnark said and began shuffling towards my sword. “Sword belongs to Crystal. Sword in Crystal’s home for generation.”
Its fucking name was Crystal?! My jaw dropped, partly in shock at the absurdity of the name, partly for the brazenness with which it lied.
“Eternity, did that sword belong to anyone before I arrived?” I asked, just to confirm.
Crystal was still shuffling towards the weapon but I had enough MP to spring forward.
“Your weapon was generated specifically for you,” Eternity said as it landed on my shoulder. “The gnark is lying.”
“Figured.”
I activated [ADRENALINE SURGE] at the same time as I leapt. It would only last a second or two but it would have be eno—
The staff slammed into my forehead just as I leaned to pick up the weapon. Time resumed its normal flow as I fell on my ass, dazed, seeing stars.
“Bad human,” Crystal said, standing over me, holding its stick up in one hand, raised high as if to beat me with it.
“What just happened?” I asked, still shaking off the dancing stars. And they were literally dancing stars, from some ancient cartoon or another.
The spores weren’t yet done with me.
Crystal grinned above me with Tusk prowling slowly behind it. “Human dumb,” the gnark said. “Human not only one with magic.”
“What?” The blow, coupled with the MP drain and the crash after the surge left me momentarily stupider than usual, sitting on a damp patch of ground, too dazed to do anything.
Satisfied that I wasn’t about to try something else, the gnark leaned over and tried to lift my sword. Tried being the operative word.
“Human, hrngh…” It gripped the hilt in a green paw and tried to lift. “Human stole this…” It tried again and a vein, black and thick, popped into view on its face. “From my house.” Dark beads of sweat rolled down its forehead, marring the already lank hair. “Thief. Human is thief.” It lowered the stick and wrapped both hands on the hilt, straining to lift.
Tusk swung its brown-eyed gaze from me to the gnark, making a low growl in its throat.
“Your weapon is locked to you,” Eternity said as it watched the scene from my shoulder. “It cannot be lifted by someone without verbal agreement from you. Said permission can be rescinded at any time.”
I burst out laughing. The gnark was not impressed as it still tried to steal my weapon.
“In your family for generation, eh?” I asked as I finally shook off the shock. “You can have it.”
And just like that, with a squawk of triumph, Crystal raised the sword from the ground, and dropped its stick. I waited until the gnark got the tip of the sword up to about hip-height, grinning wildly as it tried to swing it around.
“Actually, no, you can’t,” I said, relishing each word. “Put it down.”
Not only did the sword slam right down on the ground, but it also dragged Crystal down with it and, by the crunching sound, the gnark’s fingers got the raw end of the deal. I had my very own Mjolnir apparently, and I’d had no ideas up to then.
This time I got hold of the stick and had it levelled at Crystal’s head while it was still howling in pain. Tusk cringed behind its whimpering master.
“Hi,” I said with a grin. An idea had occurred to me, now that I had a good look at this hermit creature. I was still seeing squirrels, cartoon mice, and even a star trying to poke me in the ear.
“I’m Klaus,” I said, voice as friendly as I could make it while holding a bludgeoning weapon above the gnark’s head. “I’ll let you go if you find me some berries. Think you can help me with that?”
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