“Invader season!” Kip pointed at the chart that the graphics department had cooked up. His pointer slapped against a sharply ascending chart. This chart illustrated an increase in invaders from the months of Junesberry to Augly. Kip felt the soft flowers under his feet as he addressed the forest folk in the Murdere’s Meadow.

  “The four-month onslaught of invaders,” Kip continued, “Is a result of the heroing academies graduating their students. The top ‘adventurers’ are released. These are people, skewing younger but from all ages and classes and professions, who want to try their hands at fortune. Much to our dismay… WE are that fortune. Monster-hunting. As we are people from a diversity of creeds, backgrounds, and anatomy, our different properties that could be considered useful. Heck, even someone Jasssper, whose physiology is almost identical to a snake, could be skinned for leather.

  “Tisss true. Tisss true.” Said Jasssper, “But I have something else that makes me useful. A compound in a Coatl’s venom allows for enhanccced nightmares. The humans called it the Survivor’s Poison. They are likely to milk me for all I’m worth.”

  “Right.” Continued Kip, “So they could milk Jasssper.”

  “They’d milk you?” piped up Zeke, “You can’t milk something that doesn’t have nipples.”

  “My teeth are my nipples in this inssstance.” Said Jasssper.

  “That’s not milking. That’s like… fanging. They could milk me. Minotaur milk is said to give you the strength of ten men.”

  “They couldn’t milk you!” Jasssper said, “You were born a male. Tisss only the female that can produce milk from their teats.”

  “Either way,” Kip said, “it’s less important who gets ‘milked’ and more that we all have something they want from us.”

  “That’s right,” Zeke said, “I, for one, have a huge bounty. They’ll want me bad.”

  “Right.” Said Jasssper, “Why are you even here? You’ve become a minion on the castle floor.”

  “N-not a minion,” Zeke stuttered, “A-a heavy. Why are you here? You aren’t even a fighter! You’re just some weird freak who hangs around Kip.”

  Kip sighed, “You two are both here as my guests! This meeting is for the new forestfolk. I still have to do this presentation for every floor after this, so please just let me continue.”

  “Bet he wants to milk you, Kip,” Said Zeke, “Well, you won’t find any nipples on my boy Kip. No way.”

  “Please stop talking about my nipples.”

  “Show them your bare chest, Sire! Show them the superior evolution of reptiliansss!”

  “Enough! Both of you! I have so much of this presentation to get through.”

  They exchanged a mutual glare but quieted down for Kip’s sake. Each was unable to quit glancing at the other.

  “There is a balance here. The levels act as a sort of warning sign for day-siders. The further down, the more you risk. If we wiped out too many of them on the first floor, we would become an existential threat to the kingdoms surrounding us. Kashu and Ulmund. We cannot let that happen. Their manpower is greater, their forces more armed. We have a max body count for each floor. This year will be tallied by ear. Blademan’s idea. We can not go over.

  “The rules are that anything you kill, you keep or split with your party. If there is some amount of gold or jewels, there is a tax on that. Loot such as magic items, weapons, armor, trinkets etc, all yours. If you reach a treasure threshold of over 10,000 crown, there is a tax of about ten percent on the value exceeding 10,000. Say you got a Dwarfite armor that made you temporarily invisible, jewel-encrusted. This would be valued at 25,000 crown. You would be taxed after 10000, so you would pay 10% on 15000. 1500 crown. Any questions so far?”

  A large enchanted badger raised their hand. Kip called on him.

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  ‘Yeah, hi. Long-time fan, first-time question asker. What is the increased chance that we will be getting milked this season?”

  “What? Could you elaborate?”

  The badger took his glasses and rubbed them on his shirt sleeve, “There’s a lot of talk of getting milked. Be it a snake or a minotaur, or a kobold. What is increasing the propensity for getting milked this year, and what is the estimated value of male badger milk?”

  “You won’t be getting milked.” Said Kip.

  “You can’t know that.” Said the badger.

  “If you were born male, you cannot produce milk.”

  “I have a wife who’s pregnant.”

  Kip took a deep sigh as he hopelessly looked at the many cards left to get through, “I believe that Jasssper and Zeke confused you with the talk of milking. There is no emphasis on humans milking us monsters.”

  A goldfish with two legs stood up, “Hi, goldfish here. Long time, first time. Can you guarantee us we won’t get milked?”

  “I… can’t 100% guarantee you won’t get milked, no.” Said Kip, “But I can say with reasonable certainty…”

  There was a murmur over the crowd, the goldfish spoke up again, “So, I’m supposed to walk around and fight these freaks who might milk me, and you can’t promise me protection from getting milked. Well GEE. That’s great. A dark lord who can’t even prevent us from getting milked.”

  “You’re a fish. You can’t be milked.” Said Kip, exasperated.

  “What if...” A rickety voice came from the back of the chairs.

  Kip looked out to the crowd, “Yes, Mr. Talbot. You have something to say?”

  An old gnome stomped his cane on the ground, causing everyone’s attention to turn to him. As he attempted to get up, his bones creaked. The people on either side stood next to him. His arm jostled on his cane as he rested on it.

  Everyone listened in, “What if… we milked ourselves before they had a chance to?”

  Everyone groaned. Kip raised his hands, “Okay, sorry. We still have a lot more to discuss, especially regarding strategy. Who has an actually important question to ask?”

  Half the chairs raised their hands, “That’s not about being milked.”

  Almost everybody dropped their hands. All accept one. It was a young cub.

  “Yes, you. What is it? You have a question?”

  “Yes, Mr. Dark Lord, sire. I have a question. My mama was mama bear. She was injured by the two Ulmun spies. Will they be aiming at me because I’m her daughter?”

  Kip sighed, “Ursula. Sorry. I didn’t recognize you. I promise you, they are not coming after you in particular. Those Ulmun spies were looking into us. But we have established a… tenuous relationship with Ulmund, and there should be no more special forces unless circumstances change. How is your mother, by the way?”

  “She’s thankful for the gift basket, sire.”

  “Please, call me Kip. Everybody. I know you’re all scared. Invader season is a reason to be scared. There are going to be many new parties, but this has just become a tradition for humans of all party sizes to come invade us. That is why I’d like to go over drills today with all of you. I want to go over what we know about the humans. Would that be okay with all of you?”

  There was a quiet after that. No more talk of being milked. They all nodded their heads and urged Kip to continue.

  “Amazing. In regards to potential threats, there has not been a lot of Ducervi in the area, but a mercenary troupe called Foxbloods has been snatching undead…”

  Kip finished the rest of the presentation with minimal interruption. He dismissed the group and thanked everyone for attending. As Jasssper and Zeke helped put the folding chairs in the carriage, Kip stared at them quite cross.

  “You two,” Kip said, gritting his teeth, “I was attempting to make sure everyone was safe. And yet you both could not stop talking about your nipples.”

  “I wasssn’t talking about mine!” Said Jasssper, “I don’t even have any to begin with!”

  Kip shook his head, “People are scared. We’re going to get more invaders than before. Apparently one of the frogs they dissected in class told us this was the biggest crop of graduates yet. Some of them even join more established parties. We’ll be getting an influx of people from all levels.”

  “I’m sorry, buddy,” Said Zeke, “I didn’t mean to ruin your rhythm. I guess I’m still struggling to find my place after the… ousting. How’s Blademan as a mob boss anyhow?”

  “He’s… good, Zeke. He’s good. You’ll be able to challenge him again soon. I promise.”

  “Aah,” Zeke said, waving the idea away with his hand, “I haven’t even thought about it. The long few months it’s been. My quarters in the castle sure are cramped, though. Gotta share it with all the other heavies. I’m really hoping he didn’t take down my White Snakes poster either.”

  All three of them sat on the hill and looked up at the sky. The sun had started to set and the chairs had been put away. Kip shook his head as he looked up at the sky.

  “Do you hear ringing?” Kip asked.

  The three looked around, and Jasssper’s eyes settled on a chlorophone still planted in the ground.

  “Ring, ring, ring!” A voice shouted through the phone, “Ring ring! Dark lord, are you still in the meadow somewhere? Ring ring!”

  Kip walked up, he plucked the chlorophone from the ground and put it to his ear.

  “Hello?”

  “Oh! Thank darkness! Dark Lord, there were some invaders. One of them escaped to the fierce forest from the Underdark.”

  “O-okay,” Kip looked at Jasssper and Zeke confused, “Can you not handle it on your own? If they’re escaping then that means we’ve won.”

  “Is this Blademan?” Zeke asked, “Or someone as equally incompetent as Blademan?”

  “Sir, that’s why I called. They found something they shouldn’t have. They… found a service tunnel.”

  When the Tar Pits opened up, all I could think about was: 'Thank god, another potential income stream.'

  My name is Drake. And I'm completely powerless, but I fight the monsters that come out of the Tar Pits every day. Not exactly my preference, but the pay is fine, and I need the money. Sis is in the hospital. One day, one of the big gods joins us on what was supposed to be a routine raid. When things went sour I found myself staring right at that big god with a knife in his chest.

  I could have saved him. I could have... but then I would have stayed powerless. And baby, I got bills to pay.

  And now? I got all the power I could ever need.

  Read the first 5