No. No. No.

  I don’t want to be here...away from him...

  Currently, I’m stuck in the special care centre my hands and legs bound tightly as a doctor approaches me. From what I can remember, they sedated me last night, no wonder my head feels heavy.

  It’s not that I haven’t been here before. I have been in here more times than I can count. But at that time, I didn’t have anyone to go back to and now I do. I miss Nico much more than he could ever know. I hope he received the note I gave him because without it, he will spiral. I know him well enough to figure out he’s scared of being abandoned—just like I am.

  A doctor which I have never seen before sits in front of me. He says his name is Calyx, but I can call him Cal. He looks just as emotionless as me and that’s one of the reason I prefer Dr. Inez.

  “So, Serene is you name, isn’t it?” he says looking down at my file. “BPD and MDD tendencies with self-harm risk.”

  After looking at my file for a while he keeps it aside and looks at me, like really looks at me. “Dr. Inez gave me whatever information she had about you.” He says.

  “Well, that isn’t a surprise.” I comment back.

  “Close your eyes.” He murmurs. I hesitate but obey. Let’s see what this man is up to. I feel the lights being dimmed through my eyelids...and I like it, I like darkness.

  “Tell me where was the most recent one.”

  I stay still. The silence stretches so long it starts to rot.

  “Nowhere.” I reply.

  Silence. He doesn’t push further just lets the uncomfortable silence linger in the air until it tingles under my skin and crawls up my spine like a deadly snake. Finally, unable to hold it any longer I mutter “my shoulder. It’s still raw.”

  He scribbles something, the pen scratching like bone against metal. “Very good, Serene. Breath in. We’ll stay there for a while.”

  The room slowly begins to echo, distorted whispers, heart wrenching screams, heavy foot steps and...and a child’s voice stammering apologies.

  Keep him out of your head serene...I fucking cant...

  The voices grow louder, stronger, more persistent and suddenly I see something that terrifies me.

  You know what it is?

  It’s the image of a girl, sitting in a bathtub with blood everywhere. She hugs herself, trying to make herself smaller, invisible even, tries to gather up her fragile self piece-by-piece until it all falls apart again. A girl who’s trying to silence all the voices—both in and out of her head—through pain. She doesn’t scream, doesn’t cry or beg, she just silently drags the knife across her hand as if it was something mundane.

  The distorted whispers intensify, and I hear echoes of myself in them. I’m sure that I’m a sweaty, shaking by now and so I open my eyes. They are wide with pure fear and panic, my breath heavy.

  But doctor Calyx doesn’t offer comfort—he just leans in closer with a smile sharper than ice,

  “What did you see Serene?”

  I gulp audibly as I reply, “Myself…”

  His smile—or more like grin—widens.

  “And my dear what exactly were you doing?”

  My voice trembles as I speak, “Cutting.”

  “Whom?” he presses on.

  “My… myself.”

  “Hmm. And why?” he asks not looking at me directly instead pretending to do something with the tape recorder.

  “It’s my only distraction in this chaotic world.”

  The doctor chuckles, actually chuckles. “Ironic coming from someone as chaotic as yourself.”

  My eyes narrow as I grip the chair handles tightly. “Are you mocking me?”

  He freezes—just for a fleeting second—before relaxing back down. He doesn’t try to calm me down or reassure me, just shakes his head no. Handing me a glass of water, he waits for me to take it. Initially I was planning to leave his hand hanging in the air but then I realise that my throat is dryer than the Saharan desert and so I take it.

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  After a while he collects his stuff and walks out as if he didn’t just give me the most traumatic experience of my life. I’m still shaken and I don’t get up from the chair because I doubt if my trembling legs would support my weight.

  Dammit, I don’t even know where the fuck my room is.

  I hear footsteps behind me; cautious and slow.

  A man no older than twenty-five stands in front of me. He’s got brown, wavy hair which falls in waves on his forehead with eyes of the same colour. Usually when I’m down, I tell people to fuck off but right now I’m too tired, shocked and scared to do so.

  Finding nothing else to do, I look at him awkwardly. He leans down to my level before saying “Hey, you look quite shaken. Mind if I help a bit?” He looks...friendly. Unable to speak anything in my current state I just nod. Within moments, the hoodie he is—or was—wearing is draped across my shoulders, and I subconsciously pull it closer.

  “You’re shaking either from cold or from fear. Anyways the hoodie will help both.”

  “Who are you?” I ask because I’ve never really seen him around here before.

  “I’m Cassian.” he replies, extending a hand towards me. His warm hand engulfs my colder one as I shake it. “I’m Serene.”

  He smiles slightly. “Do you know where your room is?” I answer with a sheepish shake of my head. Looking down, he notices my legs bouncing due to anxiety.

  “Serene, can you walk?”

  “Just give me a moment and I’ll be fine.”

  My voice comes out harsher than I intended and I instantly regret it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me—why I push people away when I’m feeling low despite knowing I need them.

  Cassian doesn’t seem to mind at all though, unlike Nico who would have had flinched.

  He gently rests his hand on the side of my shoulder as I grip his other arm, taking support of it to get up.

  He helps me walk out of Dr. Caelix’s office and into the dimly lit corridors. I’m still shivering, though it has lessened significantly due to the warmth of his hoodie. Or is it his warmth I’ve grown used to?

  We see a nurse passing by. “Excuse me,” he calls out, “could you check the room under the name Serene?” he asks her and suddenly I find myself grateful towards this small act of kindness. The nurse takes out her phone, texts someone and replies, “Serene Morwyn right? It’s room no 262.”

  With a muttered thank you, he continues to lead me through the corridors.

  Reaching my room, he opens the door and sits beside me on bed. “Thank you, Cassian.” I stretch the syllables of his name slightly, testing how it sounds on my tongue.

  “And here I thought you were mute,” he smiles playfully. “You’re welcome.”

  He reaches out in his pocket, pulling out a crumpled plastic with mint candies. “Want one?”

  He holds it out to me. In case you don’t know, I love mint. If given a chance, I could devour an entire packet of them. And this time it isn’t any different. I take the candy from him, relishing the flavour as I watch him do the same.

  “You really like mint, don’t you?”

  He just shrugs in response, the same soft smile still plastered on his face. “So do you.”

  After a moment of comfortable silence, I comment, “You know, I never expected anything so... normal in here.”

  “You shouldn’t because there is nothing normal here, except... except this moment.”