Okay… so I just nearly died in a fucking tunnel. Not from a monster, not because I was attacked… but because I got my belt snagged. Fucking hell… I am so out of practice at adventuring. Last time I had my arse saved by a twelve-year-old and this time I’m almost killed by an inanimate object. Why do I even bother at this point?

  Damecus requested that we keep talking until they find a way to get to us. They have been trying for ages… no luck so far though. The conversation has mostly been a load of innocuous nonsense. The most interesting that things got was when Kiyui was asking Agaroth about his relatively new relationship with Cathy. Interestingly, Agaroth was fairly restrained in what he had to say about it. I hope that this is due to him holding Cathy in high regard… although it is more likely that it was because Damecus is present and talking smut about the woman that Damecus is married to in front of him would not end well… even Agaroth knows that.

  Did I mention that they had their wedding? We didn’t go to it. It was relatively soon after the whole barn incident and we didn’t want to leave Svampe… and he certainly wasn’t ready to go to a wedding. Not that it was a big wedding… I think the only guests were Agaroth, Phoenix, Rosario, Dietrich, and Farrow… oh, and Nomius, obviously. No, wait, Chlamydia also attended. I always forget about her for some reason. Don’t know why… she’s nice enough… definitely the most normal out of her, Smutisha and Gentle. It is likely due to her being relatively unassuming… you don’t really notice her presence a lot of the time… then suddenly she’s just there. It’s weird. But yeah, I’m sure somebody mentioned that she went.

  Agaroth volunteered to look after Verity… which was very helpful by all accounts… funnily enough, she didn’t exactly sit still… at least that’s what I have been told. I feel bad that we missed it… but you know. It was to resolve some legal matters rather than a big display of burgeoning love, so I shall live with it.

  Hang on… what the fuck is Kiyui doing?

  Dwynfel: “Kiyui… get back from the edge.”

  Kiyui: “Come here and look.”

  I stood up and walked to the edge of the path that we were stood on.

  Dwynfel: “Gods, this cavern is huge.”

  Damecus: “This does not sound like two people who are staying put.”

  Dwynfel: “Sorry.”

  Kiyui: “I think we can find the river from here. Sounds like it’s coming from over there.”

  He pointed to a very precarious looking path that went along the wall of the cavern, steadily lowering to the lower levels.

  Dwynfel: “Are you insane? If either of us fall from there, we’re dead.”

  Kiyui: “Then I guess we’d better not fall.”

  He strode off to start making his way down the ledges.

  Dwynfel: “Kiyui… wait!”

  Damecus: “There is no point in using connected voice if you are not going to listen.”

  Kiyui: “It could take you guys hours to find this cavern, we may as well make ourselves useful.”

  If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

  Phoenix: “You are of no use to anybody dead.”

  Agaroth: “Red’s right, stay put.”

  Their words fell on deaf ears… Kiyui had made his decision and was already way ahead of me, climbing down the horribly thin path. It was a struggle for me to catch up to him…

  Dwynfel: “Kiyui, slow down. How are you so much faster than me? I’m the ranger here.”

  Agaroth: “Cause you’re outae practice. Too much time sittin on ya arse eatin’ cheese on that farm a yours.”

  Dwynfel: “Fuck you, Agaroth.”

  Agaroth: “There we go, he’s finally biting back. We’ll make a man outae you yet, boy.”

  Kiyui: “Ignore him, Dwyn. You are more than enough man for me.”

  Agaroth: “See, even Twinky thinks ya gained weight.”

  Kiyui: “You know full well that is not what I meant.”

  Fucking hell… this path is terrifying. As if almost being crushed to death wasn’t bad enough… now I also have the delightful risk of falling to my death.

  Kiyui: “Well, fuck me.”

  Agaroth: “I swear tae the gods. If you two are gonnae start fuckin’ while ya wait, could ya at least not talk so we don’t have tae listen.”

  Dwynfel: “Kiyui… what is it?”

  Kiyui: “Hurry up and get down here. I don’t even know what this is.”

  I desperately scrambled to catch up to him. He must have made it to the bottom and round that corner. I can see his light orb ahead of me, hovering at the corner to let me know where to go. I can hear the water much louder now… we must be close.

  I eventually got to the bottom and rushed round the corner and… fucking hell.

  Dwynfel: “Well, that certainly explains the contaminated water.”

  Damecus: “What do you see?”

  I looked ahead to where Kiyui was looking. I genuinely couldn’t believe my eyes… it was a malignant python. They are beyond rare… like… way rarer than rock wyrms. They are huge… and I mean huge. This thing has to be about eighty metres long… and the most baffling thing of all… the thing is already dead.

  Dwynfel: “It’s a malignant python.”

  Damecus: “What? Get out of there, get out of there now!”

  Kiyui: “Don’t worry, it’s dead.”

  Damecus: “What?”

  Dwynfel: “It’s been torn open. Its blood and guts are all over the place… only the gods know how much of it has seeped into the water.”

  Damecus: “Do not touch the blood, it is highly toxic. It is no wonder these people are ill. One drop of that creature’s blood can kill a man, let alone the venom. The village is lucky that it was so diluted.”

  He's right. My almanac warned about the toxicity… many, many times.

  Dwynfel: “So we need to somehow move the body and cleanse the water.”

  Damecus: “That is far from our first priority right now.

  Dwynfel: “What do you mean?”

  Damecus: “You said it had been torn open… think.”

  Dwynfel: “Mother of Mercy…”

  Kiyui: “I don’t get it.”

  Dwynfel: “Very few creatures could survive an encounter with a malignant python, never mind do that to one. Which begs the question… what the hell killed it? And more importantly… is it still here?”

  Suddenly a series of roars echoed through the cavern. The roars were deep, gruff, and guttural. These were not the sounds of a bunch of goblins echoing down the halls… these things were big… and there were several of them.

  Kiyui: “Umm… did you hear that?”

  Phoenix: “Everybody heard that.”

  Agaroth: “Fuckin’ hide, ya daft cunts!”