Level One

  As it turned out, teleporting right into the middle of the Blue Team base with a bunch of armed soldiers at his back was not a good idea. Not at all. Whatever response Cooper was hoping to get, he got was the opposite.

  The Blue Teamers were already in the amphitheater when Cooper arrived, holding hearings, or a trial or a fucking election or some other pointless bullshit. When they saw Cooper, there were a few seconds of pure chaos as each Blue Teamer bolted in a different direction, all of them shouting at the same time. Eventually, they managed to gather themselves in a scrum at the far side of the stage where they spent a few seconds collectively cowering in fear. They also managed to quiet down enough for Cooper to understand what the Cyclops was saying.

  “I’ll do it!” the Cyclops shouted, a glass bottle of some kind held above his head. “I swear I will.”

  “Put it down,” Fidel said.

  “Don’t you dare put it down!” Spiro shot back.

  “Why doesn’t everybody just relax?” Cooper said reasonably, holding up his hands.

  “Leave now or I will kill everyone in this room,” the Cyclops said.

  “He means it,” Lurch added, his voice thin and reedy. It was the first time Cooper had heard the big man talk.

  “Okay, so this definitely isn’t going the way I thought it would,” Cooper admitted, taking a step back. “If you guys want me to leave I will, but I did bring you some more fish stew, and all I ask in return is that you let us speak for a second.”

  “Who?” Bird Girl demanded.

  “You and me,” Cooper said. “Just for a second.”

  “Anything you care to say to her you can say in front of all of us!” said the Cyclops.

  “Okay, calm down,” Cooper said, annoyed. “I just wanted to say that I think I solved your problem.”

  “What problem?” said Bird Girl.

  “The problem where you guys are all about to starve to death.”

  “Because you and your Kayins keep stealing our food!” Spiro shouted.

  “What’s your solution?” Bird Girl asked.

  “Well that’s the thing,” Cooper said. “I kind of need to show you.”

  “Okay fine,” said Fidel. “Show us.”

  “You’ll need to wear this,” Cooper said, reaching into his duffel.

  “Slowly!” the Cyclops snapped. Cooper slowly, carefully, removed one of the steel collars from his bag.

  “What is that?” said Bird Girl.

  “It’s called an ‘ally collar’,” Cooper said. “It allows me to take you out of the maze. I want to show you guys what’s on the other side.”

  “It looks like a slave collar,” Lurch said with that weird, high-pitched voice.

  “What?” Cooper said in mock surprise. “A slave collar? I mean now that you say it I guess I kind of see it. But no, this is an ally collar.”

  “What happens if I put that on?” Bird Girl asked.

  “Super simple,” Cooper said. “As soon as you put it on we press this symbol here and it basically teleports us right where we’re going. Then you’re going to talk with my friend for a little bit and she’ll explain everying.”

  “So your plan is to isolate her. To get her alone.” Spiro said.

  “She doesn’t have to go alone,” Cooper said, pulling out the other two collars. “I can take up to three of you.”

  “And then you’ll have three slaves instead of just the one.” the Cyclops said, the glass bottle still held over his head.

  “Okay, first of all, can you please put whatever that is down? I think it’s pretty clear at this point that I’m not trying to kill you all. Look, if you guys want to come, come. If you don’t want to come, don’t come. Like I said, I’m trying to save your lives here. So if you’re not interested just say so. Oh, there’s food by the way.”

  “How much food?” Fidel asked, perking up all of a sudden.

  “A shit-ton. Like imagine a table the size of this room entirely full of food.”

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  “What kind of food is it?” Lurch asked.

  “Indian,” Cooper said. “Have you guys ever had Indian? Probably not. Imagine food so fucking good it makes your fucking nose run.”

  “Does she have to go?” Fidel asked of Bird Girl. “Could two of us go scout it out first?”

  “I guess so,” Cooper said with a shrug.

  “You’re not going anywhere.” the Cyclops snapped. “Not until we reach a vote.”

  “Oh shit,” Cooper said. “Who’s on trial this time?”

  “None of your business,” the Cyclops shot back.

  “It’s the Lesbian,” Fidel said. “He’s gone missing.”

  “Shut your mouth!” the Cyclops shouted.

  “Maybe he can help,” Fidel retorted.

  “I’m sorry, who’s missing?” Cooper asked.

  “Hbiru,” said Bird Girl. “The boy you hit on the head.”

  “You are revealing state secrets!” said the Cyclops.

  “Would you give it a rest?” Fidel said, rolling his eyes. “Hbiru’s disappeared. We think he went off into the maze. He also took some things. And apparently we can’t go looking for him until we’re finished trying him for treason.”

  Cooper looked around the room. Somehow, it hadn’t occurred to him until just now that Four Eyes.

  “Okay,” he said. “We’ll get into all that in a minute. But first, did you just call him a Lesbian?”

  “Yes,” Fidel said patiently. “The Lesbian is missing.”

  “Okay, so I’m not crazy,” Cooper said. “Why do you keep calling him a Lesbian?”

  “Because he’s a Lesbian,” Fidel said stubbornly.

  “Are you sure about that?” Cooper asked.

  “We don’t have time for this,” the Cyclops said. “No other business can be considered until the Lesbian is brought to justice. Once that happens, this body may look more kindly on sending an embassy to treat with your friend. But only if all our property is returned first.”

  “So you’re saying you’ll let her come if I find the little guy for you?”

  “I’m saying I might send someone,” the Cyclops replied acidly.

  “Alright,” Cooper said. You have a deal.”

  * * *

  The Cyclops had tried to insist that Cooper find Four Eyes first before he took Fidel and Bird Girl to the par. He ended up losing that argument, in large part, mainly, Cooper thought, because Fidel was hungry. In the end, Cooper put the “ally” collars on the two kids and punched the maze symbol, and the next the thing they all knew they were standing in the King Arthur room. Fidel’s eyes immediately went wide, and Cooper assumed it was because of the buffet, until he turned to find a dark, hairy shape charging at them.

  “No!” Cooper shouted, grabbing the black bear by the collar by its collar before it could jump up on his guests. “Back to your spot!”

  The bear groaned theatrically, shuffling back over to a bare mattress on floor next to the buffet, where it buried its head into a turreen of goat korma.

  “Sorry about him,” Cooper had said. “He’s not used to houseguests.”

  It had taken a few minutes to convince Fidel and Bird Girl that the bear wasn’t going to eat them, but as soon as Amelia had appeared things began to work themselves out. When Cooper had left, Bird Girl and Amelia were chatting pleasantly in Egyptian or something and Fidel was tucking into the gulub jamun.

  It was only after he got out into the maze that Cooper realized he had absolutely no idea how to find Four Eyes. The story that the other Blue Teamers had been vague. They said he had stolen things, though there was no agreement on what, and they also said he had gone into the maze to look for Cooper, though there was no agreement on what for. The best guess Cooper could come up with was that he was hungry and had gone out looking for food, so he decided to start by checking all the normal food spots: the Grape Room, the Beehive room, the Witches Cauldron room, et cetera. When those turned up nothing useful, he even went and checked the Carrot Room. Still nothing.

  He was on his way from the Carrot Room to the Other Bakery that Cooper found a clue: a thin blue line running along the floor of the hallway ahead of him. It turned out to be yarn. Probably from the same ballthat he had carried around the maze for a few days, though he couldn’t be totally sure. The yarn had been laid out flat and perfectly straight. At the end of the hallway, it turned to the right, then back left at the next intersection before petering out in the middle of the following hallway.

  He didn’t know for sure that the yarn had been left by the Lesbian, though it obviously made sense. He also didn’t know what kind of magic the yarn had, though it probably did something. He probably could have gone back to Blue Base to ask, but that would have required him to listen while the Blue Teamers talked, and he had already had more than enough of that for today. Instead, Cooper decided to check the rest of the nearby rooms - the Olive Bush Room, the one Cafe Room in this part of the maze - first in the hopes of finding the Lesbian inside.

  That didn’t work out, but on his way back from the Olive Bush room Cooper found his second major clue. He had thoroughly explored this part of the maze, and that meant it was heavily covered with charcoal. The safe floor tiles were all marked with an “X” and the walls were covered with arrows bearing the legend “BEES” or “CARROT” or “BUNK”. But up until now, the only marks he had seen were the ones he had made personally. So when he noticed a white chalk mark crossing out the C in the word “CARROT”, it got his attention.

  As it turned out, that wasn’t the only mark. In the next hallway over the O in “OLIVE” had been crossed out. And then two hallways down from that a C in “CAFE”. It was always just the first letter, and always a single diagonal stroke in white chalk. Cooper got the impression that whoever was doing this was crossing things off some kind of list. He walked around the maze for a while until finally he found a piece of wall with two crossouts right next to each other. This was his main signpost, the one he made just outside the Bunkhouse door, which was literally 5 feet away from where he stood.

  “No way,” Cooper thought.

  He went to the Bunkhouse door, pressing the secret catch, opening it.

  “Hello,” Four Eyes said.

  * * * * *

  Name: Cooper of Vancouver

  Gender: Male

  Affiliation: None

  Age at Entry: 29

  Current Level: The Labyrinth (1)

  Jing: 10/10

  Qi: 12/14

  Shen: 0

  Life #: 2

  Status: Cursed (3)