After inspecting enough of the croc and serpent carcasses to ensure that “Loot All” worked as advertised and really did collect everything lying around in the room, we checked the map to plan our route to the next key location. This one was further apart than the previous two boss rooms, but had the same layout as the others: a dead-end room parked next to empty space on the map. We figured we might have depopulated the nearby crocs enough to cover some distance without having to stop for the obligatory croc fight every two minutes and headed out.

  TRIX: If the next battle is set up similar to the last two, I think I’d better stay out with Kiara.

  WILL: No way! If you hadn’t been in that last battle, it wouldn’t have ended as soon. I wouldn’t have cleared out the crocs in time.

  TRIX: But with the shepherd’s crook, Kiara and I can hold our own together.

  I wasn’t sure, but it didn’t feel like a wise move to tell Trix she was wrong.

  WILL: Or maybe the next one isn’t a solo fight.

  Trix shook her head. This game is all about patterns. That’s what my Game Guide told me.

  KIARA: Mine too! “Look for patterns,” he said. “They’re everywhere in here.”

  I had no use for Game Guides. I thought of bringing up Trix’s Guide’s warning against the big, dangerous rats but bit my tongue instead.

  TRIX: One pattern I’ve noticed is that outside the boss battles, these sewers aren’t a problem.

  I turned a corner and a mallet smashed into my chest, stunning me and knocking me to the slimy sewer floor.

  Big and menacing, two men loomed over me. The one with the mallet—Grinstead, level 18—was ripped. It almost looked like he had concrete blocks under his shirt and a stack of bricks for biceps. The other—Julius, level 13—was also buff, but normal buff, not comic book buff.

  “Hand over the keys, and I won’t kill the girls,” said Grinstead.

  Still dazed, I wasn’t exactly sure what Julius was holding, but it looked like an oversized sledgehammer.

  “I’d die first,” I said. “And I’m not dying today.”

  “We’ll see about that,” Grinstead said as he swung his big mallet toward my head.

  The mallet stopped in the air mid-swing, and Kiara pulled me back up on my feet from behind. Once I was out of the mallet’s reach, Trix let go of her bind spell and Grinstead completed his swing, splintering the slimy floor tile. I was still in shock from the surprise blow, but Kiara scored two Magic Smacks to Grinstead’s big head. His health dropped by half and he charged us, knocking us all down. His mallet dropped to the ground in the fall, and he landed on top of me, a meaty thigh pressing down on my chest. His fist came up, sheathed in brass knuckles covered in a patina of blood. He swung for my face. A second before impact I tried to select the word bludgeoning hovering over his fist, but then I remembered burning my impenetrability in the big croc fight. Time was up, the cold metal connected with my jaw.

  The Shepherd’s Crook saved me. The punch dropped the crook’s shield to just above red. For my part, the punch felt like something akin to deep-tissue massage. Grinstead raised his fist again. I couldn’t push him off, and I was having trouble breathing. As his fist flew at me, I wondered if he’d harvest Vamp or Turtle.

  Brinkley’s Staff swung past me and into Grinstead’s arm, knocking the punch off its path. A brass knuckle caught the side of my head, killing the shield from the Shepherd’s Crook. Its shield bar flickered and then went gray.

  Trix covered Grinstead with flame, and he rolled off me with a shout. His health was well in the red.

  “Asclepius remember me!” called out Julius, who put a hand pulsing green on Grinstead. Grinstead’s health bar began to recharge.

  I selected Keel’s knife from my inventory and sprang at the big guy. The knife materialized as I tore through his ripped chest. I raised my knife for another stab, but Kiara beat me to the punch, magic smacking Grinstead so hard that he was dead before he hit the ground.

  Julius backed up. “It was his idea! I told him we didn’t need to steal the keys.”

  TRIX: I don’t trust this guy.

  Trix’s take was enough for me. With Keel calling for blood, I Charged Julius and stabbed for his heart.

  Julius held out his hand and a brick wall formed in front of me, with slits at the bottom for the sewer water to course through. He’d created a dead end in the tunnel. The wall did not come with a countdown timer. I tapped it with the hunting knife, and it was substantial.

  TRIX: That’s one way to end a fight.

  WILL: Just glad it’s over.

  I checked my jaw, and nothing felt broken. That was lucky.

  Out of curiosity, I checked my stats page again, and sure enough, I’d moved up a position to 57th. I didn’t feel any safer.

  KIARA: This guy has been busy. He’s got forty-one skills.

  TRIX: That tracks with his prison tattoo.

  Royal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author.

  Sure enough, he had 40 kills.

  I looked at the big mallet and went on a mini power fantasy about knocking skulls with it. The side of the mallet was covered in silver runes and a picture of a warrior knocking things down with the mallet: a tree, a tower, a mountain. This felt like a good time for some Weapons Lore.

  Ah yes, the Mystical Mallet of Malefaction. This mallet was forged by KrzzKrzz, God of Rats. KrzzKrzz, as you likely would have never guessed, is a rat that found a Dag pellet just a few hours ago. Can you believe it? Someone carelessly threw away a Dag pellet in the sewers: these sewers! When KrzzKrzz ate that pellet, any number of things could have happened, because the pellet was what is referred to as a Randomly Generating Event. There was only .000001% chance that the pellet would turn its user into an immortal, which is a vanishingly small chance. One in a hundred million if you care about that sort of thing, which is about the same chance anyone has of being hit by a meteorite while they step outside to check their mail. There was a much higher chance that the Dag pellet would instakill the little rat, mutate it into something nightmarish, or provide a small but satisfying burst of fruit flavor and then disappear forever. But KrzzKrzz won the jackpot. His powers grew immeasurably and now he gets to fulfill every little rat dream he ever had. Turns out he wanted but one thing: to create weapons of exceeding craftsmanship and randomly gift them to the denizens of this dark land. Hey, maybe you should start praying to KrzzKrzz for an overpowered god-forged item. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a weapon that didn’t inspire you to kill your teammates? Huh, or I guess you could just take this one since it’s just lying here all by its lonesome.

  I needed that mallet. This was the first thing I’d wanted in my life more than Z in longer than I could remember. That shook me a bit, not just not needing Z, but not wanting it either.

  I stepped up to the big weapon and gripped its leather handle. While it was hard to know for sure over the general stench of the sewer, it did smell like a rat had put its stinking paws all over the item.

  I tried hefting his mallet with one hand but couldn’t budge the thing. Even with two hands, the Mystical Mallet might as well have been the Brooklyn Bridge.

  TRIX: Please be joking. You need a weapon that isn’t possessed.

  I gestured to the weapon.

  WILL: Well, no one owns that one now, but I don’t think anyone will anytime soon. I sure don’t have the power to possess it.

  TRIX: OMG. No, dingo. I mean you need a weapon that doesn’t have an insane person living inside it.

  Trix squinted her eyes slightly at me and walked over to the weapon. She tried to heft it with one hand.

  TRIX: Okay, you’re not joking.

  WILL: Told you.

  TRIX: We finally find another weapon and you need the might of Hercules to even hold the thing.

  WILL: Actually, you need the might of KrzzKrzz.

  KIARA: Who?

  WILL: Long story.

  I glanced at the item description and looked at the important part at the end.

  +15 Strength, 5d5, +15% chance to shock opponents. Must be 30 strength and 30 dexterity to wield.

  TRIX: Can you put it in your inventory?

  I grabbed the handle and tried to move it into my inventory.

  Another wannabe Arthur. Better hit the gym and try again.

  WILL: No dice.

  KIARA: That’s too bad. You’d look cool swinging a weapon twice your size.

  TRIX: Once your stats get high enough, we’ll come and see if it’s still here.

  KIARA: Guys, help me decide what ability to harvest.

  Trix and I both looked through Grinstead’s skill list.

  It didn’t take me long to find a skill that fit.

  WILL: Since you didn’t have a good physical attack, I like Spiked Punch. Coupled with Grinstead’s brass knuckles, that’ll surprise any melee fighter that attacks you close up.

  TRIX: We’re trying to keep Kiara away from the melee. What about Eagle Scout?

  WILL: You don’t like Spiked Punch?

  TRIX: Read the description on Eagle Scout before you dismiss it. Here.

  Trix dropped me the link to Eagle Scout’s description. For a second, I was transported to those library visits where mom would shove books in my face. Then I smelled the putrid sewers again and my reverie was cut short.

  Eagle Scout. This skill provides proficiency in basic woodcraft: firestarting, tracking, mycology, ethology, toxicobotany, knot craft, trapsetting, camouflaging, birdcalling, sneaking, wayfinding.

  I looked at Trix, confused.

  WILL: I have no idea what half this stuff is. Do you?

  TRIX: They’re survival skills, Will! Our girl needs more street smarts and this will fast track her development.

  WILL: Street smarts? Toxicobotany sounds like something useful in an actual jungle, not a concrete one.

  Kiara stepped between us and put a hand on each of us.

  KIARA: Stop fighting, already! I chose a skill.

  WILL: Oh?

  TRIX: Oh?

  KIARA: Vinyasa Yoga.

  I closed my eyes in attempt to push down my frustration.

  WILL: Please, please, tell me you’re joking.

  TRIX: But you could have had TRACKING, TRAPSETTING, SNEAKING, and WAYFINDING!

  KIARA: Hold on.

  In a couple of seconds, the Vinyasa Yoga skill description appeared in my chat.

  Vinyasa yoga. If you want to become a spectacular spellcaster, this is your path. Regular yogic practice improves focus and concentration, develops stamina, flexibility, and balance, improves breath control, and increases physical strength.

  WILL: I know what yoga is. I refuse to keep reading about it.

  Kiara smiled at me, flashing her pretty teeth. I did my best to resist her charm.

  KIARA: Skip to the end. I promise it’s good.

  Regular practice of Vinyasa Yoga provides the following buffs.

  +1, strength, +1 dexterity, +1 constitution, increased by +1 each for each week of uninterrupted yoga practice.

  TRIX: Okay, that is good. It makes me think we’d all better start stretching.

  Trix was right. It was good. But I kept thinking about stupid Dag with his stupid pellets practicing yoga in the penthouse suite of a supertall and didn’t need Keel to think murderous thoughts.

  KIARA: Plus, I do not want this awful thing.

  Kiara dropped the blood-stained brass knuckles in my hand. They had good weight to them. They didn’t compare to the hunting knife, but they were better than switchblades.

  I had hoped that Grinstead had equipment that boosted his strength. He didn’t. It looked like he’d picked the Bruiser class or something similar that adds four stats each level and dropped all of it into strength and dexterity so he could use that weapon. Turns out he should have been more focused on raising constitution.

  Grinstead didn’t have many credits left either. I guess he’d rung up some mighty bar tabs. He did have a nice collection of rings. Kiara took The Spider’s Kiss, a spider-shaped ring that boosted intelligence by 1. Trix took Roar Ring, a rounded silver ring adorned with leaves that could be used periodically to enhance any attack. Its power bar was low, meaning that Grinstead had probably triggered it for his surprise attack.

  That left me with Ring Worm, a worm-shaped ring, earthworm brown, that sunk my charisma by another two points but would allow me to regrow any lost appendages. It wasn’t as immediately helpful as the other two rings, but at least I didn’t have to worry about losing a finger anymore. Given Grinstead’s condition, I kept in mind that Ring Worm would not keep me from dying.

  TRIX: Okay, now that we’ve got a wall here, we’re going to have to take the long way around to get to the next key room.

  We started on our way, and I looked back at the wall, feeling nervous that it would disappear and Julius would come leaping behind us. But the wall stayed solid.

  We had barely taken ten steps when a system announcement interrupted us.