There are two more months left in our intensive course with Ms. Mikado. And she just made a bombshell announcement.

  

  Ugh.

  

  

  That doesn’t make any sense to me. We know a lot, sure – but gaps have to be filled in somehow. But whatever. We'll see how it goes.

  As css begins, we start with some basic conversation.

  Ms. Mikado signs,

  

  “How do I sign-”

  Ms. Mikado narrows her eyes and puffs out her cheeks while she signs aggressively,

  I sigh in frustration and ask my question by fingerspelling the word ‘manga.’ Ms. Mikado's cheeks unpuff and she shows me how to sign the word.

  …

  Later in the css, we start learning terms reting to travel. After we have practiced them a bit, Ms. Mikado asks me,

  It's not that hard of a question. We haven't been on that many.

  

  “How do I sign ‘in a cabin’?”

  Her cheeks puff out again and she puts her hands on her hips before signing,

  I roll my eyes at her and cross my arms, “There’s too much we don’t know for that. How am I supposed to put sentences together when I’m missing half the words I want to use. We barely know half the particles!”

  My mom clicks her tongue at me and shakes her head like I'm the most disappointing daughter in the world.

  She's such a freaking teacher's pet.

  Any time the two of them gang up on me it just makes me want to be a complete asshole to both of them. But…I hurt Ms. Mikado’s feelings st time I gave into that urge. Plus her puffed out cheeks are way too cute for me to stay mad.

  I close my eyes, take a deep breath and calm myself down.

  

  She smirks at me,

  I narrow my eyes at her,

  

  I roll my eyes at her,

  She gives me a smile that is equal parts bemused and exasperated, She gives me a big smile before signing,

  

  Ms. Mikado lets out a frustrated sigh and furrows her brow for a moment. Then she signs, She pauses and finger spells <...field…trip…>.

  I start to feel dizzy at the thought of heading out into the world and leaving the protective cocoon that is my home. I hope I misunderstood.

  

  Ms. Mikado nods,

  

  

  I start to feel very stressed and anxious, so I abandon signing and blurting out, “I-I don't want to go anywhere!”

  Ms. Mikado looks at me with concern and thankfully doesn't berate me for speaking this time.

  My mom steps in and deftly signs,

  I feel some of my anxiety dissipate at this suggestion. If there is somewhere I have to go, at least it's a pce I'm familiar with.

  Ms. Mikado studies me for a moment and then looks back at my mom with a smile,

  …

  When my mom gets home ter that evening and finds me studying at the dining table, she immediately thrusts a lengthy note at me with a gruff expression on her face.

  I know you and Ms. Mikado csh sometimes, but you need to show her respect. You didn't listen to her rules today and you were very rude to her. She would never tell you this, but I know that it hurt her feelings. I don't want to see that from you again.

  I sm her stupid note on the table, “I swear , you like her more than you like me. You two are always ganging up on me and talking behind my back. It’s like middle school all over again. I’m even getting bullied by the pretty popur girls. It's getting really freaking old.”

  In a huff, I go back to looking at my computer. But I notice my mom hasn't moved from where she was standing. I sigh and look at her, expecting her to be seething, but that's not what I see at all.

  Her lip is trembling and she's wringing her hands together while looking at them. I can tell she's on the verge of tears.

  That's when I realize what I just said.

  Aw, shit. I went way over the line.

  I stand up and hug her, “I don't really feel that way. You're not like those girls at all. Neither of you. I shouldn’t have said that. I'm sorry.”

  My mom pulls back and sniffles while she signs,

  I shrug, “Not really. I deserve to be scolded every time it happens. I'm a brat.”

  I expect my mom to ugh, but she is still looking at me with seriousness in her eyes.

  I sigh, embarrassed at the feelings I’m about to express, “I guess…I’m…a little jealous of both of you. It feels like…you both like one another more than you like me. And I'm just like…this annoying little girl you have to put up with.”

  My mom looks shocked,

   “I feel left out…I guess.”

  My mom smiles,

  I shrug, "--but let me decide."

  My mom nods,

  …

  Once again, I’m staring up at the ceiling because I can’t sleep. The st couple of times this happened it was because I was so happy. But not this time. I’m very anxious about the field trip tomorrow.

  I got added to the text conversation with my mom and Ms. Mikado tonight. And they were both chatting about the field trip. And a lot of it IS pretty dumb - like Ms. Mikado basically going through the entire menu and exciming, ‘Ooo, this sounds good!’ about every item on it.

  But it is nice to be included. Even when she's annoying.

  But it also made it harder for me to keep my mind off of having to leave the house tomorrow.

  I'm gd that at least Ms. Mikado's field trip isn't somewhere completely alien to me. But I'm still very anxious. I haven't left my home since returning from the hospital, and I've gotten very comfortable. I've kind of reverted to who I was before university. At best, I was one step above hikikomori. I know it's not good for me. But at the same time it's uncomfortable.

  I'm already bad with other people when I'm at my best. My disability is going to make it even worse.

  But…I'm going to have to leave my house at some point. And if I keep just staying home, it's only going to get harder to go out. So, I need to do this. I have a feeling Ms. Mikado knows I need to do this for mental health reasons. She knows what a mess I am.

  I sigh.

  The cafe is somewhere I'm familiar with, and going there means that my mom will be close by. But it's not exactly my favorite pce in the world.

  Some cafes are sleepy little pces where you can go and rex while enjoying a snack. But that's not true of this cafe. It's super popur and always pretty crowded with loud people.

  My mom started working there about 15 years ago. It was not doing well at the time. In fact, she was hired out of desperation, because the owner didn't know what to do because his kissaten that had been there for years was suddenly failing. So my mom's job was mostly to stand outside in a cute uniform and flirt to get peoples’ attention. I didn't really get that at the time even though I went to work with her a lot. I was 7, so I just thought her uniform was cute. It makes me a little bit mad, now, that she was being used like that.

  But even my mom's good looks and charisma couldn’t save the pce. So the owner asked if she had any other ideas. He must really have been desperate, since he was a very traditional older man and he was asking for help from an uneducated single mother in her 20s who had no experience doing anything but waitressing.

  But it turned out my mom did have an idea. A good one. She pointed out that this part of the city was becoming younger. A new Tohoku University campus opened nearby, and so did a train station. The train station shopping area was frequented mostly by university students, and they were moving into the neighborhood more and more.

  So, she suggested moving away from a more traditional kissaten toward a very modern coffee shop with a massive drink menu and all kinds of offerings that would appeal to younger clientele - like sugary frappuccinos and caffeine-infused espressos. Basically, she suggested modeling the pce after western coffee chains, but without the sterile, corporate feel those pces have. She even suggested they rename the pce “University Cafe.”

  With nothing left to lose, the owner followed her suggestions, and the pce became popur almost over night. And it's been a favorite of young people in Sendai ever since. The owner was so happy that he made her co-owner a year ter. I don't quite want to say it was rags to riches for us. We weren't quite in rags, and we certainly aren't rich. But things were pretty bad. And they are much better now.

  It's really amazing that she accomplished so much. If it wasn't for that, we wouldn't have our nice apartment and I wouldn't be going to university. We probably wouldn't even be able to afford Ms. Mikado or medical care, and I would be pretty much screwed.

  But as proud as I am of her success and as happy I am that she provides for us so well…deep down I wish it was a little less successful so it wasn’t always so freaking busy. It's simply not a rexing pce for me.

  But she’ll be there when we go on our ‘field trip.’ And that makes me feel a bit better. I hate to admit it, but I think Ms. Mikado being there will help me too.

  When we enter the cafe, it's as busy as I feared. There is one open table among the three dozen, and lots of people waiting in line too.

  Ms. Mikado looks around, and sees the waving hand of another woman. She excitedly waves back and gestures for me to follow her.

  But I find myself utterly overtaken by the buzzing sound all around me. It’s like I'm surrounded by a swarm of angry bees. I start to hyperventite, so I close my eyes and put my hand on my chest to try to steady my breathing. But it's not working well. My heart is pounding in my ears.

  Why are we even doing this? Just so she can meet some friends? Can't she be a social butterfly on her own time, and not put me in a panic attack-inducing situation? She probably isn't even aware that this is happening to me.

  Just as I'm about to turn around and leave the cafe, I feel something soft and warm on my hand. I open my eyes and see Ms. Mikado wearing a warm smile. I notice she's holding my hand. My heart starts thumping hard for an entirely different reason.

  This is the first time I've held hands with anyone but my mom.

  She lets go of my hand and signs,

  I'm definitely still in a heightened state, but I think the panic attack danger has passed thanks to her. I can try to tough this out.

  

  She nods, She outstretches her hand, and I take it. My heart starts thumping again.

  She leads me to a table where two women are sitting and she lets go of my hand as I sit down.

  One of the women gets up and hugs Ms. Mikado. She has long dark hair, gsses, and brown eyes. She also has on some sort of hearing aid. I briefly wonder whether this is the friend from high school she was the interpreter for. As those two are sharing the hug, the other woman, who is seated across from me, smiles and waves. I awkwardly wave back.

  She looks foreign, or at least half-foreign. She has shoulder length blonde hair, light-green eyes, and very fair skin.

  They are both very pretty. I'm a little surprised I don't feel more nervous around them. But I'm around Ms. Mikado all the time these days and she's even prettier. It must have helped build up my tolerance for pretty girls.

  Ms. Mikado says something to both of them, and they say something back. Then she taps on my shoulder and she starts signing.

   Then she looks at me,

  At first I think she's only talking to me, but the blond woman nods too.

  Then Ms. Mikado and the dark-haired woman abruptly go off and sit at another table in the cafe.

  I am beyond confused about what's happening and seething a little about the fact that Ms. Mikado just abandoned me without expining what was happening. I look behind the counter hoping to see my mom to steady myself. Luckily I see her, smiling and ughing with a male customer as she takes his order. It calms me down.

  Then, the blond woman signs one of the first things I ever learned.

  

  I spell it out,

  She slowly signs each of the kana in her name, .

  Oh. She's slower than me. She must be learning too.

  

  She smiles,

  Then, she signs only two words,

  Not how I would have signed that. She left so many words out. But I know what she means.

  I think about how to say what I need. There's no way I can sign all the details about my situation, but like she just did, I can sign enough to be understood.

   I point at my ear and shake my head for emphasis.

  That's not exactly accurate. And being that imprecise bothers me. But I think I'm starting to get why Ms. Mikado wanted me to do this.

  Madoka frowns,

  

  She taps her finger on her chin and thinks for a moment. She points to the tall, dark-haired woman that Ms. Mikado is talking to and then signs a word I don't recognize.

  

  Now she signs two words I do know.

  

  I can't help but smile when I put it together.

  She's gay! And open about it. That's awesome! It's nice to know Ms. Mikado has gay friends.

  Or…maybe I'm interpreting it wrong. I should be careful just in case. Not like I'm fluent in sign nguage.

  

  She nods, She taps on her own ear, and I know what she means. She is talking about her hearing aid.

  I nod, to tell her I understand.

  

  I find myself smiling.

  Okay. She's definitely gay.

  She's learning sign nguage to talk to her girlfriend's family. I don't think she would do that for a friend.

  

  She slowly spells it out again, one sylble at a time, , then she signs

  I only catch the first letter of what she's trying to spell, because the word is so strange.

  

  She nods and does it again, more slowly. I tilt my head to the side,

  Madoka ughs,

  Oh. That's her first name? That's an unusual one. Maybe she's half foreign. She doesn't really look it, though.

   I pause for a moment,

  Madoka smiles,

  

  

  I nod,

  She chuckles. I don't know why at first, but I guess hearing your good friend called ‘Ms.’ sounds funny.

  

  So maybe Akane IS the girl she was the interpreter for.

  No wait…if her family is deaf, that means Akane was actually the older girl who was her tutor. Probably. Maybe.

  

  My mom surprises me by coming over to our table with a breakfast sandwich with prosciutto and a chai tte for me. I avoid the more caffeinated stuff because of my anxiety. I realize that she's checking in on me. It's a little embarrassing, but I probably need it.

  I introduce my mom and Madoka, and my mom refills Madoka’s coffee.

  After my mom leaves, Madoka signs,

  I nod,

  Again…super imprecise. But I don't have to be exact, as this conversation has taught me.

  

  I'm tempted to brag about my mom, but definitely don't have the vocabury to do it justice. But again…that's probably okay.

  

  She nods and checks the time,

  I feel a little let down.

  Then she signs, She pauses for a moment as she formutes her next statement,

  She seems nice. And she's also gay…I don't know anyone else who is. So even though I'm not normally very social, I've really enjoyed this. So…

  

  …

  Madoka and Akane just left. The pce has emptied out some. It's only about 75% full now. It's still a little stressful because of all the people, but I think I'm learning to tune out the buzzing. In a setting like this it kind of becomes white noise. Still, I'd much rather be at home.

  Ms. Mikado has just joined me at the same table. She is smiling broadly at the drink she just ordered. It's some super sugary frappuccino, with whipped cream spilling out of the top and chocote drizzle. If I was going to guess what drink she gets at a pce like this, that would be it. She looks like a little kid who is about to eat their birthday cake.

  She takes a long drink and then sighs happily before signing,

  

  She smirks, She narrows her eyes, < Too smart, sometimes. So, you'll follow the rules now?>

  I nod,

  She shrugs and then smiles,

  <'Smart' or ‘difficult’?>

  She lets out a “Wahahaha~” and then signs with a wink.

  But then her face gets serious. Well, as serious as it ever does. Her smile is less pyful as she locks eyes with me.

  I look down at the pte that once held my breakfast sandwich, embarrassed that she saw through my neurosis again. But,I guess I shouldn't be. She doesn't look down on me for it. And she comforted me earlier when I was about to lose it.

  She even held my hand. She definitely didn't have to do that. She goes above and beyond for me.

  I look back up at her,

  Author's Note: Madoka and Akane are OCs that originally appeared in Yamaku: The Pce Where Dreams Come True. I'm currently in the process of adding that story to Scribblehub.